#1
Hey, all.

I've been really uppity to write, lately, with joining a new band in all (I'm the singer/ rhythm guitarist), and I've wanted to write about my life.

I was looking for something soft, building with the progression of the song, but starting on an almost acoustic level.

But, I woke up around 3 a couple nights ago, and wrote this.
(Sorry if it's atrocious, I posted it here so that you all could edit it, and help me make new stanzas)


This feeling left me empty, once again
Another disappointment let me down
It seems that it's the way it's always been
Your lies drag me under, and force me to drown

[Chorus]
Was it good enough for you (good enough for you)
This pain caused with intention
Ripping up my heart (up my heart)
I didn't even mention....

You killed me
Yes, you killed me



Again, sorry if it's rough, but I posted here only looking for some help, or any ideas that I may have forgotten or need.

Thanks again
#3
Thanks, Insanity.

Obviously, it's about my girlfriend, but anyways.

I'm stuck in a rut here, though. Any ideas that I need to work on? Word choice? Syntax? Anything?

Thanks again
#5
I like the lyrics word choice is good I dont know if you want to repeat something after you said it like (good enough for you) and (Up my heart) but that really depends how your doing it like if its with effects or backing vocals...anyways GJ
------------------------------------------------------------------------
your insane, but reasonable
#6
Quote by bloodlust_panda
I like the lyrics word choice is good I dont know if you want to repeat something after you said it like (good enough for you) and (Up my heart) but that really depends how your doing it like if its with effects or backing vocals...anyways GJ



Backing vocals

I think it's good for a 3am scribble on a notebook.

Anyone have any good resources I can use, such as something for word rhyming?
#8
I like it. Doesn't sound tacky or anything. I think this could actually be a pretty good song.
Equipment:
-Ibanez GIO
-Fender American Standard Strat HSS
-Acoustic Schneider Guitar
-ARIA STB-PB-DX Bass
-Vox VT50AD-XL
-Roland Cube-30 Bass
-Digitech RP-250
-Blue guitar pick
Proud Member of UG's 80's Rock Fan Club
#9
Thanks all. It must be me, but it does sound a bit tacky.

I dunno. I'll work on it more, hopefully. Write tabs/chords, or w/e
#10
Sorry for the double post [and yes, I know this kind of doesn't go here, but I'm hoping that this will help others], but

I was wondering the next step I should take, editing, or making music, or w/e. Thanks again, all of you.
#11
Try switching line three and four, so you get an A B B A rhyme. The third line has a little more impact now.
#12
Maybe working with the thought of line 4, drag me under, force me drown. That drowning image, or dragging below the waterline, could be the beginning of a second verse?

If you didn't follow my suggestion in the previous post, you *could* keep line 4 where its at, and begin a new verse with "drown"

e.g.

Your lies drag me under, and force me...

Verse 2:

to drown in deep sorrow, etc. or whatever

or p'raps,

Your lies drag me under, force me...

Verse 2:

Drowning sorrow in hopeless rage...etc. or whatever

They're just ideas. mess around with your phrasing, you have something pretty interesting going on.
#13
Alright. Thanks, all. I guess I was looking for editing. I wrote more, that I'll add later.
#14
Cool.

What I want to know is why we always get the best ideas as odd times, like 3 am, driving, waiting in line, usually right when we don't have a place to write things down?

Here's a great song (is posting a link ok here?), Its Ten Years After, but audio only. Great guitar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GONH0NKMeIo
#15
also, DP, you could try musically seeing how it plays out. How is your melody and chords working on this? Sometimes a good idea starts out a little dopey and turns into something good. Was Hello Goodbye a dopey lyric until the music came along?