#1
Hey. I don't really write much in the way of lyrics, but I'm starting to get into it, I guess, so I figured I'd share some stuff here and maybe get some tips or just a critique.

I guess I'll start with this God awful poem, which is about a mouse that I found... in my house.

Bob The Mouse:

Bob, one night
Went for a bite *cringe*
Whilst away from his home,
on a roam.

Just his very sight
Gave the housewife a fright
and armed with a knife
She took Bob's life

Bob grew up on a farm
Bob never meant no one no harm
Bob, one night
Just wanted a bite
But the price of being fed
Sadly, was his head.

I guess the ending's not so bad.

I started writing this song today, but something seems just not right, so I thought I'd get a hand from you fellas. It's called St Enoch Hotel, named after this dive in my city center where junkies go to crash and shoot up.

You trudge down through Jamaica
And Jimmy says "This is it"
You look up through the fog in your eyes
to a structure of cellotaped shit

You pass under golden letters
Through a doorway made of glass
You look up into the eys of God
And enter (t)his black mass

Harry asks if you are ready
Excitement in his eyes
You're shown into your room
And to the world you say your goodbyes

You wake up 3 months later
And Harry has gone blind
Barry is nowhere to be seen
And Jimmy has lost his mind

You don't ask any questions
Don't even know if this is real
By 5 you'll be sitting on Mars
Sipping champagne with the De'il

You wallow in their pity
Look through the bars of your cell
There's no escape from the grave you dug
Down here at the St Enoch Hotel

Cheers
The UG Awards exist only to instill me with existential doubt.


For me, the 60's ended that day in 1978...

Willies. Fuck the lick and fuck you too.
#2
no offence but the poem i think is a bit shit......
however i do like the song lyrics. i appreciate the ambiguity, and i may even benefit from a bit more in the way of perhaps making it more relevant to people's lives. i think it's definately a good start and an interesting approach to it. (Y)
Any phrase followed by the word "FACT!" makes it more true that it already is.
#3
Quote by hernythecow
no offence but the poem i think is a bit shit......

None taken. I was really just rhyming things for fun.

however i do like the song lyrics. i appreciate the ambiguity, and i may even benefit from a bit more in the way of perhaps making it more relevant to people's lives. i think it's definately a good start and an interesting approach to it. (Y)

I'm a bit confused, I guess there's a typo in there? Anyway, thanks for the critique
The UG Awards exist only to instill me with existential doubt.


For me, the 60's ended that day in 1978...

Willies. Fuck the lick and fuck you too.
#4
no, no typo. Sorry i'm a bit of a poetry geek in my spare time. basically i like the way you haven't spelt out exactly what it's about. like you've said THIS IS WHERE PEOPLE SHOOT UP. i like how you've assumed people are clever enough to figure out what it's about. And i dunno about the last bit....that's like my personal feeling about my songs, is that i would like other people to be listening to it, and go "hey, yeah i know what he's on about".
Any phrase followed by the word "FACT!" makes it more true that it already is.