#1
at this time of night,
the houses glow, flooding the streets,
we crack our windows, let the televisions breathe
and exhale the dirt from their lungs,
borne on the syllables curled
from the televisions' tongues,
watch them swandive and swirl
in the cool evening air
until every little boy and little girl
feels them cling to their hair
and settle on their lips
to some it tastes so strange
but soon they'll get used to it,
to any stagnated change and aborted discussion
poisoned before its mother could love it
and grow in the vain hope that it would look so pretty
donning brilliant points and oratorical diamonds
to open every eye of those close-minded, but really
we like to only deal with one-side and
our beautiful woman is just a street urchin diving
in and out of trash heaps and sewage
ultimately finding a tie and someone who'll listen
and an executive head who'll give him permission
to look in a camera and speak of his wisdom
but as he speaks incoherent of his visions of the world,
of tomorrow and the reasons behind our hurt,
he hacks up the dirt he used to wallow in.
and we primetime viewers swallow it
so we can spew it the same way
and so our time-blind children can acquire its strange taste
and then they tell you there's no reason to be afraid,
that the world's in peril so thank god they'll save the day
but is it the day to be saved or is it really our fate?
we can chew and swallow our tv dinner
but we're still going to suffocate.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Nov 2, 2009,
#2
For some reason, this seems overly wordy to me. I can't really place it, it just does. There also seems to be waay too many commas, and I kinda stumbled over them at times. Probably the way you placed them. This took more effort than I would have liked to fully digest.

Still great as always. If you want, time machine in my sig could use some crits.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Yeah a bit wordy however i thought it conveyed a great message

Crit mine if you like i don't know how to hyperlink here but mine's Cold Dark World.
#4
Thanks guys. Cream-fan I already got yours and Ganoosh, I'll get to yours soon.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Hey i've read your previous work and now this and i must say you really 'wow' me. I'm still quite a beginner in writing so i was hoping that a more experienced writer could give a comment on my latest work..Well if your interested or have any spare time that is.

Mould