#1
this song is very personal to me. it's message and theme should be clear. i don't normally write songs like this, but i just had to voice it out, for my own sake. i hope you take the time in reading it if you've read this. please and thank you's.


an empty audience

he sits alone in peace
without a firm control
without a single excuse

he wants the attention
even the slightest reaction
so he make-believes
his own satisfaction

he holds his head up high
content in recognition
he continues to lose direction
clearing any sense of existence

darkness settles in his eyes
slowly plaguing to his mind
satisfied at his reception
he finally loses control
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#2
I actually liked this a whole lot. will hopefully be back. hopefully this gets read by/the attention of some of the regs around here. a good example of four line stanzas building to a pretty powerful crescendo.
#4
thank you very much for your comments. i really appreciate them.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#5
Quote by gavincandance
this song is very personal to me. it's message and theme should be clear. i don't normally write songs like this, but i just had to voice it out, for my own sake. i hope you take the time in reading it if you've read this. please and thank you's.


an empty audience

he sits alone in peace
without a firm control
without a single excuse

he wants the attention
even the slightest reaction
so he make-believes
his own satisfaction

he holds his head up high
content in recognition
he continues to lose direction
clearing any sense of existence

darkness settles in his eyes
slowly plaguing to his mind
satisfied at his reception
he finally loses control


This is awesome. The second stanza, in particular has a really good ring to it, as does the third one. **** it, the whole thing is boss. However, something that you may want to change would be the word "plaguing" in the final stanza, to me, it doesn't seem like it fits that well. Other than that tiny critiicism, it's awesome.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1224778
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#6
thanks for your comment. i have already crit'd your piece, thanks again.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#10
i'm glad people are still reading it, thanks for your comment.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#11
Pretty deep, dark, and mysterious. I like your character progression. He's deteriorating and something corrupting inside himself. No one is present when this is happening. Just my thoughts, good writing.
#12
yeah, i definately wanted to show how the character progressively deteriorates. and yes, the irony is that noone's around him. thanks for reading, i appreciate it.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#13
how does he deteriorate?

it reads like a brief observation at best. how am i supposed to find any sympathy for this character if there's no context? try expanding.

darkness settles in his eyes
slowly plaguing to his mind


try switching the two verbs. I like how plaguing sounds.
#15
Quote by thucydides
how does he deteriorate?

it reads like a brief observation at best. how am i supposed to find any sympathy for this character if there's no context? try expanding.


try switching the two verbs. I like how plaguing sounds.



This.
This choice is passion, this path is tension.
#16
The best thing going for this piece is the slow build up of emotion and intensity as the song progresses. The problem is we get to the end and there is no release.

I would have the song break into something else (musically or lyrically) after the "...loses control".
#17
Quote by thucydides
how does he deteriorate?

it reads like a brief observation at best. how am i supposed to find any sympathy for this character if there's no context? try expanding.


try switching the two verbs. I like how plaguing sounds.


i'll try my best at explaining this. in the first stanza, the character doesn't have a "firm control" or "single excuse". these are indications that he isn't satisfied / fulfilled / enlightened / etc.

over the course of this piece, however, he attains the "attention", "reception", and satisfaction he so desires.

in the beginning, he was only sitting alone in peace. he wanted a superficial reason to finally be accepted by a nonexistent third party, even though we readers know that making something up like what the character had done in the second stanza is not normal.

the "deterioration" applies to him loses his sanity, basically. he believes that he has the attention and acceptance he so desires, but in reality, we know that he is only making it up.

sorry if all that made little sense to some, i just woke up from a long friday night.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#19
i like it. don't worry if it doesn't make sense to everybody. songwriting is about personal expression and if you think that it's good, then it's good. I think that it's very personal to you and it's a good song. Don't worry about everybody on UG liking it, it's not going to happen. If you record this I want to hear, and nice job here!
#20
Quote by Nergal22691
i like it. don't worry if it doesn't make sense to everybody. songwriting is about personal expression and if you think that it's good, then it's good. I think that it's very personal to you and it's a good song. Don't worry about everybody on UG liking it, it's not going to happen. If you record this I want to hear, and nice job here!


of course, i always go into this attitude when writing a song. i write songs to better myself and express my emotions. i don't know the timetable for when i'll record this or countless other songs in my collection, but i'll get around to it.

thank you everybody for continuing to read and comment on this piece, i greatly appreciate it.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#21
I like it. Could be because I can relate to it. I know it probably isn't how you intended for it to be interpreted, but still, it sums up how I feel pretty nicely.
#24
thank you everyone for reading my piece, it means alot. i don't intend for its meaning to be one-sided. if a reader can interpret the piece in their own style, then by all means it can mean that.

"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance