#1
This is a rough draft of a song I wrote yesterday, might refine it if people think its good. Be kind this is the first song I've ever written

Let me take you down,
Take you from this cold, dark world,
Take you some place beautiful,
Far from this world of sorrow.

Come with me,
we'll be happy in the sun,
Care free and wonderfully,
...Wonderfully free.

There's a cold, dark world out there,
But we're safe inside,
We have nothing we need to fear,
Nothing we need to hide,
We're safe here inside.

We got nothing,
Nothing to fear,
Nothing can touch us
Not while we're here.

We can be happy together,
Stay here forever,
living in the sun,
Just you and me.

Come on let me take you down,
Away from this cold, dark world,
No more sadness, no more hate,
Together we can make it happen.

Take you down,
Away from this dark world,
Come on let me take you,
Somewhere happy,
We can leave right now.

We got nothing,
Nothing to fear,
Nothing can touch,
Not while we're here.

Come with me far away,
We can make a better day,
What is there left to say?

Thanks for reading Please critique honestly, I want to improve my writing and i can't if nobody will comment, plz plz plz
Last edited by Cream-fan-#1 at Nov 2, 2009,
#2
It's not at all bad for you first lyrical composition... Trust me when I say though later down the road you will want to avoid any generic songwriting... Your lyrics will separate you from other bands... Study poetry... check out Billy Corgan's or Jim Morrison's lyrics... not my favorite but they'll get you started...
#4
This isn't bad for a first song and you will only get better as you keep writing, practicing, refining your skills. I'll give you some suggestions:

First, I think it's important that your lyrics have some sort of progression, some movement as opposed to just saying essentially the same thing in every verse and chorus. Through the lyrics, develop some characters and make them dynamic. Tell a story through them and their words, feelings and actions. Also, by "story" I don't mean you need to narrate a "Devil Went Down to Georgia"-type song with a beginning, middle, and end but rather create some motion within the words that takes the reader on a ride and ultimately coming to some resolution that serves as the theme of the song. In this case it would be escaping the cruelties of the world to just be with the person you love. One technique that you can try is think of the chorus as the theme of the song. In there you want to express what the song is about. You can explicitly say it, use a metaphor, or just evoke an emotion such as sadness, happiness, etc. that sort of sums up what you want to say. Then think of the verses as supporting details. This is where you tell us a story, you introduce and progress the characters and finally reach a conclusion that parallels what is said in the chorus. It sounds harder than it is.

Another tip I'd suggest would be to experiment with different rhymes instead of obvious and simple ones such as fear-here, inside-hide, say-day-away. There are words that aren't as obvious and demonstrate a strong command of vocabulary. You also don't have to rhyme at all. Sometimes adhering to a rhyme scheme can be smothering and it can lead you to force words and phrases just to fit it.

Lastly, the more you write and develop, you'll begin to have a tendency as to what is cliche and what is not. Generally speaking, phrases like "cold, dark world" and "We got nothing,
Nothing to fear, Nothing can touch us Not while we're here" will be considered cliche for no other reason than they've been overused. The problem with cliches is that it detracts the true feelings and emotions from the piece. As a reader, when we come across cliches, we are unable to find the unique voice in the piece since we recall the countless other pieces we've read which have sounded similar. That's why it's so important to find original, unique, creative things to say because if you don't, you risk the reader not caring.

I say this because I think there are emotions and feelings somewhere behind your words that are dying to be communicated to us. You are not alone in making these common mistakes. Even I write cliched lines, I used simple and obvious rhymes, and lose sight of any story or character development. You and I are just here to become better writers and hopefully I've helped you in some capacity. Good luck and keep posting
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Thanks for the criticism man... I'll definitely take that stuff into account with future songs