#1
eventually all our tragedies tie themselves into neat little bows. c4c. ots. etc.


for emma, a month ago
nothing:
no thing,
denotes holes.
you're not listening.
icewater veins, canvas collapsed,
eyes full of wax, sliding all over everything,
i watch you breathing. i watch you sleeping.
i watch you eating. i watch you dreaming,
but you're not dreaming of me,
and i can't sleep. i'm self-loathing,
as i exaggerate my clothing, filling
my sweaters with my angles,
my arcs and my tangles, my imperfect form,
as i attempt to alter your lips to fit mine,
but i'm boring, and old news,
i'm so tired and bled through,
and it's not that i resent you,
when you look at me,
my blooming eyes, my crooked teeth,
i understand that you feel nothing,
but it still fills me up with holes.
#2
I like it, nice rhyming scheme. It would be interesting to see how this translates to music.
Do you play an instrument? And is that a bon iver reference?
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
He to whom this emotion is a stranger,
who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe,
is as good as dead; his eyes are closed."
- Albert Einstein
#3
I think this got a little too tied down in the repetition. It just stumbles over itself here and there. That's my only real complaint though.
#4
I liked it, it was a theme that I usually find is cliche, but I can tell that this hits close to home with you and the thought you put in was fantastic. The rhyme scheme was really interesting, what with the internal rhymes and all, but there were a couple things I didn't like. For starters, and this is just me, but the repetition of "I watch" got a bit... grating, I guess, after the second time. Just my opinion. Also, the last line seemed really weak compared to the rest of the poem, it changed it from something heartfelt and real to something I would've read in my English book. It doesn't ruin the entire poem, but I don't really like the line. It seemed forced. Other than that, it was a really good piece. I noticed the I's weren't capitalized, but now that I re read it, I think you did that on purpose. So overall, good job =)

If you could just throw a little comment on one of the pieces in my sig, that'd be awesome =)
#5
Wow. It's very contemporary. It does have a cliched theme, but the potrayal is fantastic. It draws a definitive sense empathy out of the reader. The rhyme scheme is intricate, lots of internal rhyming, it does make for some interesting aloud reading. I actually must agree with littledude65 in that the last line just seems that little bit detatched from the rest of the piece, and therefore detracts from the whole slightly, and because it is the last line, it seems to taint the piece that little bit more, I guess something more simplistic, more intimate? I'm sorry if I've just reiterated what the other guys have said, but there really isn't much more to add to what they've said, it's a wonderful piece, just a tweak to that last line, I think is all it needs. Hoped I helped.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1223352
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#6
A bit out of place but I think the last line is a clever phrase
Comment (Stay With Me) perhaps?