#1
I posted this here about 10 months ago, and i have since improved on it.


Verse 1
I Travel down This desolate road,
Remembering Things I haven’t been told,
Remembering Places, Familiar Faces,
Some of them young, some of them old,
As I look back, over my shoulder,
I can see the world, see it getting older
The end is in sight but so is the start
The beginning forgotten, the end in the heart…


Chorus x2
I try to find out where I belong
Here in this world it all seems wrong
I stop and stare at the sky up above
I know what’s missing, the worlds lost love


Verse 2
I continue down my broken path,
I want to cry, but I want to laugh
Even though the world is gone
I feel as though I must carry on
The empty world is upon my shoulders,
This hollow world is getting older,
Those remembered Places, those familiar faces,
They disappear on a regular Basis.

Chorus x2
I try to find out where I belong
Here in this world it all seems wrong
I stop and stare at the sky up above
I know what’s missing, the worlds lost love


Verse 3
Following onwards on this dangerous bearing,
I see the world, I see it tearing
This compass it leads me to all but death,
This world is taking it’s final breath
It bleeds from the centre, it bleeds with our blood,
It cries tears of horror, they rain down in a flood
The worlds always been bleeding, from the very start,
It’ll bleed till the beat of the last human heart

Chorus x3
I try to find out where I belong
Here in this world it all seems wrong
I stop and stare at the sky up above
I know what’s missing, the world’s lost love


Chorus 2 x1
I try to find where it went wrong
There’s been this problem all along
You stopped and you stared at the sky up above
You saw what’s missing, what’s missing is love.


Remember, if you crit mine properly i will try to crit yours in return.
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#2
Quote by King Twili
Verse 1
I Travel down This desolate road,
Remembering Things I haven’t been told,
Remembering Places, Familiar Faces,
i'm wondering why you capitalized some of the words in these lines. what are their signficances?
Some of them young, some of them old,
As I look back, over my shoulder,
I can see the world, see it getting older
i didn't like the flow of this line because you used "see" twice. i suggest "as it gets older", but you can do with it as you wish.
The end is in sight but so is the start
The beginning forgotten, the end in the heart…
this beginning stanza, to me, has potential to be so much more if you place some sort of "purpose / reason". for example, why are you going down this path? this might just be a personal thing, but there's alot of mystery in this stanza.


Chorus x2
I try to find out where I belong
Here in this world it all seems wrong
I stop and stare at the sky up above
I know what’s missing, the worlds lost love
ok, so this stanza kind of clears up the "mystery" in the first stanza. i thought it complimented it well.


Verse 2
I continue down my broken path,
I want to cry, but I want to laugh
this line confused me. shouldn't it be something like "i want to cry, but i can only laugh" or "i can only cry, but i want to laugh". the conjunction "but" is to signify something different so you can't say you "want" to do two things with the word "but". i hope that made some kind of sense, lol.
Even though the world is gone
i thought the world was getting older? or are you simply saying it has now "died"?
I feel as though I must carry on
The empty world is upon my shoulders,
This hollow world is getting older,
Those remembered Places, those familiar faces,
They disappear on a regular Basis.
i didn't like this last line, i think you can do without it.


Chorus x2
I try to find out where I belong
Here in this world it all seems wrong
I stop and stare at the sky up above
I know what’s missing, the worlds lost love


Verse 3
Following onwards on this dangerous bearing,
I see the world, I see it tearing
This compass it leads me to all but death,
This world is taking it’s final breath
It bleeds from the centre, it bleeds with our blood,
It cries tears of horror, they rain down in a flood
The worlds always been bleeding, from the very start,
It’ll bleed till the beat of the last human heart
the last two lines were awesome.

Chorus x3
I try to find out where I belong
Here in this world it all seems wrong
I stop and stare at the sky up above
I know what’s missing, the world’s lost love


Chorus 2 x1
I try to find where it went wrong
There’s been this problem all along
You stopped and you stared at the sky up above
You saw what’s missing, what’s missing is love.
i find it weird that you used the word "you" here. throughout your piece there was only the "world" and "i". you would need to introduce who this person / thing is instead of placing it at the end.


i liked the meaning from what i grasped. i can tell it would flow nicely with a melody because of how it's structured and worded. sometimes while i was reading, however, i thought you could do without one of the stanzas because they seemed pretty similar in their meaning and it was like repetition.

i'm sorry if i was very picky in criting your piece, but i'm just trying to help you the best way i can in an honest and thorough review. thanks again for looking at my piece, and i hope to see more from you in the future.

"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#3
Quote by gavincandance
i liked the meaning from what i grasped. i can tell it would flow nicely with a melody because of how it's structured and worded. sometimes while i was reading, however, i thought you could do without one of the stanzas because they seemed pretty similar in their meaning and it was like repetition.

i'm sorry if i was very picky in criting your piece, but i'm just trying to help you the best way i can in an honest and thorough review. thanks again for looking at my piece, and i hope to see more from you in the future.




Thanks very much for the crit, i appreciate it. Just to clear things up, the "person" in the last stanza is the world itself. If you would like to see how the lyrics fit with music, there is a link to the music in my sig (It's the -).

Thanks very much!
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"