#1
the guardian of the domain stands tall as timber
ready to protect the treasure that lies deep within.
Stronger than a bulletproof vest guarding his chest,
with a ball and chain ready to capture
and a vile of morphine to puncture.

heart forever shut like a door without its key
a prince locked in a tower, so hidden it cannot be seen.
chest thumping, heart racing
love, that unwelcomed guest is slowly creeping in.
it cannot be banished, controlled or seen.

as the arctic breeze melts away
the facade slips and treasure released
a flicker of life I see underneath.
love was the hidden key.

a weeping spirit
trembling in darkness,
vulnerable and alone
he sits in silence.
love was the hidden key


p.s its a bit too wordy I know, any help would be appreciated!
#2
Quote by sheri234
the guardian of the domain stands tall as timber
ready to protect the treasure that lies deep within.
Stronger than a bulletproof vest guarding his chest,
with a ball and chain ready to capture
and a vile of morphine to puncture.

heart forever shut like a door without its key
a prince locked in a tower, so hidden it cannot be seen.
chest thumping, heart racing
love, that unwelcomed guest is slowly creeping in.
it cannot be banished, controlled or seen.

as the arctic breeze melts away
the facade slips and treasure released
a flicker of life I see underneath.
love was the hidden key.

a weeping spirit
trembling in darkness,
vulnerable and alone
he sits in silence.
love was the hidden key


p.s its a bit too wordy I know, any help would be appreciated!



You've got some great ideas in this. It sounds like a metalcore song, but it may not be.

In the first stanza, the first two lines are really good; however, the third three liens don't seem to fit as well as the first two, and the rhymign sounds slightly forced.

The second stanza is really powerful, i like this one.

I don't really think the line "Love was the hidden key" fits very well in this song.

The first 4 lines of the last stanza were also boss, but i really don't think the ending line fits the song.


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#3
the guardian of the domain stands tall as timber
ready to protect the treasure that lies deep within.
Stronger than a bulletproof vest guarding his chest,
with a ball and chain ready to capture
and a vile of morphine to puncture.
Really, this first stanza has a good start, but it seems to be just off in something. But it could just be me, so if you want just look at it and see if you want to rewrite it yourself

Your heart's forever shut like a door without its key
a prince locked in a tower, so hidden it he cannot be seen.
chest thumping, heart racing
love, that unwelcomed guest is slowly creeping in.
it cannot be banished, controlled nor seen.
This has some good imagry, though when it comes musically, and this is my opinion, I would change the chord progression for the second half so it sounds just a little different than the first. So then people can differenciate the image of the the trapped prince and evil love

as the arctic breeze melts away
the facade slips and treasure released
a flicker of life I see underneath.
love was the hidden key.
I think stanza is good enough as it is. It give some imagry and you don't really lose your readers, so I'd keep it

a weeping spirit
trembling in darkness,
vulnerable and alone
he sits in silence.
love was the hidden key
And this stanza was by far the best. I really like this stanza

I actually kind of liked it. I am interested in what kind of music you have planned to play along with it Keep on Writing
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#4
aaw thank you for this! This is quite old ..and not that great in retrospect.
Thank you for your suggestions