#1
The first is a parody of Hey There Delilah
"Hey there baby,
Whats it like in the Windy City?
I think Im gonna kill myself,
now aint that such a pity?
Oh yes I will,
might OD on a pill,
be such a thrill.


Hey there baby,
dont you worry about any of this,
its none of your fault,
My kidneys are shutting down,
Im gonna die,
But dont you cry,
oh not for I.

Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
How aspirin kills me.

Hey there baby,
I aint got much time to live,
ANd if every time I took a breath,
I became one inch closer to death,
I'd hyperventilate,
and even closer I'd come,
to death I'd succumb...

Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
Oh, its how aspirin kills me.
How aspirin kills me."

Second being a poem.

Wind swept street,
Covered with snow.
You stand in the back,
so distant from me.

I reach out to grab you,
but my arm will not reach.
The Distance immeasurable,
The Obstacles numerous,
yet Ill find away.
I will reach you.

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
Despite the distance
I'll do what I must for you.

For in this world,
I want nothing more.
Than the girl in the back,
so distant from me.

I understand that there is obviously some redundancy in the wording, but I was wondering what you all thought of this,and how you would rewrite it compared to how I did rewrite it.
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#2
the first Windy City is I understand a parody. but, its kind of a drag. If you want it to be a parody, then parody. It gets a little too serious in v. 2 and 3. And repeating about aspirin killing you. Hmm. maybe other words. what about aspirin is killing you? repeating a questionable line over and over is problematic. Write a chorus instead of just repeating that line.

The second might work musically if you had a pretty long melody line. You have line 1, 3 syllables, line 2, 4 syllables, lines 3 and 4, 5 syllables. Verse 2, 6, 6, 8, 7, 5, 4, syllables, respectively. You would have to build a melody that rises and falls with your syllabilization. Not impossible, but because your lines are different lengths the meter is all out there. You could build a 3, 4, 5, 6 line syllable structure, and work a melody in with that. When you get into the longer verse 2, you start losing any meter you had in verse 1. Now you could build a second melody line for verse two, based on the verse one melody, that expands it out.

"I shall find you..." sounds like a chorus.

You might separate your 'despites' lines. You could make two choruses, very similar, like so:

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
I'll do what I must for you.


I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the distance
I'll do what I must for you.


Last line, "I'll do what I must for you" loses the despite challenges and distance idea. Now you have shifted to a "doing for them" rather than a "reaching them" idea. What about

I'll go where I must for you, like so,

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
I'll go where I must for you.

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the distance
I'll go where I must for you.

Maybe instead of "for you": "to have you", "to know you", "to be with you" " to touch you" would work? Or something like that.

You might also build into your chorus an incomplete statement, finished later,

V.1
chorus, like this:
"I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge...

V. 2

chorus 1, like so, completed:

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
I'll go where I must for you.

Chorus two for a repeat, a complete statement:

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the distance
I'll go where I must for you.

Maybe. You could divide chorus 2 like chorus, incomplete the first time, "dispite the distance..." and complete it on another round. If you did that you have a lot of choruses, so there should be a musical interlude, bridge, etc. between them all...and maybe another verse or two.

The last verse sounds like a coda. You use the word "distance" "distant" a few times in this lyric. You might try other words, "length", "space", or some other synonym for distance. When you get to this coda, using "distant" again starts sounding repetitive, but I like it here. Maybe one of the earlier uses of it could change?

You might try writing a bridge lyric to carry you to the coda. The coda lyric is somewhat different, as you are relating the Wind swept street expansive idea to a personal reaching for that one person idea. A bridge lyric could accomodate that transition in ideas. I don't know what you would write there, but it would be helpful.

What about taking V. 1, making it really about windy, snowy street, really build some atmosphere. V. 2, taking the concept further, building it with a vision of the girl in the back. chorus 1 incomplete, short musical interlude, chorus 1 complete, then v. 3 about how unreachable a goal she is, then chorus 2 incomplete, short musical interlude, chorus 2 complete, longer musical interlude, bridge, coda lyric.

Please let me know if this is helpful.
Last edited by miumiu at Nov 6, 2009,
#3
Quote by miumiu
the first Windy City is I understand a parody. but, its kind of a drag. If you want it to be a parody, then parody. It gets a little too serious in v. 2 and 3. And repeating about aspirin killing you. Hmm. maybe other words. what about aspirin is killing you? repeating a questionable line over and over is problematic. Write a chorus instead of just repeating that line.

The second might work musically if you had a pretty long melody line. You have line 1, 3 syllables, line 2, 4 syllables, lines 3 and 4, 5 syllables. Verse 2, 6, 6, 8, 7, 5, 4, syllables, respectively. You would have to build a melody that rises and falls with your syllabilization. Not impossible, but because your lines are different lengths the meter is all out there. You could build a 3, 4, 5, 6 line syllable structure, and work a melody in with that. When you get into the longer verse 2, you start losing any meter you had in verse 1. Now you could build a second melody line for verse two, based on the verse one melody, that expands it out.

"I shall find you..." sounds like a chorus.

You might separate your 'despites' lines. You could make two choruses, very similar, like so:

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
I'll do what I must for you.


I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the distance
I'll do what I must for you.


Last line, "I'll do what I must for you" loses the despite challenges and distance idea. Now you have shifted to a "doing for them" rather than a "reaching them" idea. What about

I'll go where I must for you, like so,

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
I'll go where I must for you.

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the distance
I'll go where I must for you.

Maybe instead of "for you": "to have you", "to know you", "to be with you" " to touch you" would work? Or something like that.

You might also build into your chorus an incomplete statement, finished later,

V.1
chorus, like this:
"I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge...

V. 2

chorus 1, like so, completed:

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the challenge
I'll go where I must for you.

Chorus two for a repeat, a complete statement:

I shall find you
I shall reach you.
Despite the distance
I'll go where I must for you.

Maybe. You could divide chorus 2 like chorus, incomplete the first time, "dispite the distance..." and complete it on another round. If you did that you have a lot of choruses, so there should be a musical interlude, bridge, etc. between them all...and maybe another verse or two.

The last verse sounds like a coda. You use the word "distance" "distant" a few times in this lyric. You might try other words, "length", "space", or some other synonym for distance. When you get to this coda, using "distant" again starts sounding repetitive, but I like it here. Maybe one of the earlier uses of it could change?

You might try writing a bridge lyric to carry you to the coda. The coda lyric is somewhat different, as you are relating the Wind swept street expansive idea to a personal reaching for that one person idea. A bridge lyric could accomodate that transition in ideas. I don't know what you would write there, but it would be helpful.

What about taking V. 1, making it really about windy, snowy street, really build some atmosphere. V. 2, taking the concept further, building it with a vision of the girl in the back. chorus 1 incomplete, short musical interlude, chorus 1 complete, then v. 3 about how unreachable a goal she is, then chorus 2 incomplete, short musical interlude, chorus 2 complete, longer musical interlude, bridge, coda lyric.

Please let me know if this is helpful.

Firstly, the chorus in the parody is supposed to repeat. In the actual song he says "ITs what you do to me" four times, then finishes with "What you do to me" similar to what I did.

The second wasn't meant to be a song, but a short poem. However, I really like your ideas. This has been really really helpful. and I'll keep all this in mind.

This is my first foray into song writing, so thank you for going into such detail. This definitely just made my day.
I like to write, and support Chemistry For Improved Life.

Please, recommend me any bands or artists of any genre or medium. Paintings, poets, writers, books, paintings, songs, musicians.

Anything, anything at all. Please.