#1
Hey guys,

At the moment i'm highly intoxicated and decided to write something once more. Here it is. Typed quickly into notepad so look past the lack of proper use of capital letters etc. C4C?


this is it
the last time
the last ride
final words never meant this much

as i say goodbye
life runs through my hands
fragile features taken away
is this what i worked for?

finally one chance
one mile
one ride away from this
one shot to the face of apathy

disaster bleeds black
swallow and you will drown
black swallows flying past
free from love, hate and empathy

one last word
nothing to decide
chosen paths
failure never hurt this much

will these wounds ever heal?
will these tears ever dry?
will this hate ever die?
will this life ever end?

hit another curb
face another hurdle
jump another fence
fight another friend

when this is over
know we can't come back
back to what once was
our life

did you see?
did you feel?
did you even know
i always cared?

vows spoken
gravestones carved
till death separates
till love tears apart
GEAR:
Ibanez SR605
Some 71' P-Bass
Orange Bass Terror 500 > Markbass 4x10
#2
I read through this poem once, it was very good. Read it twice, even better; read it a third time and I loved it. I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. It has some very good imagery and it seemed to really flow well when reading. I love it Keep on Writing
Comments or Suggestions
Omit or Change
Suggested Changes


I am the 24 Wild Rovers
If You Wish to Give C4C Click on the Smlileys
:
#3
I don't like the repeat of 'swallow in the third stanza, being its so strong otherwise. I also think punctuation might help at times, but I like the claustrophobia of the lines seemingly running together, so either/or really. It's a nice feel. Overall, I enjoyed it.
#5
Quote by Never_Been_Me
Hey guys,

At the moment i'm highly intoxicated and decided to write something once more. Here it is. Typed quickly into notepad so look past the lack of proper use of capital letters etc. C4C?


this is it
the last time
the last ride
final words never meant this much

I like this stanza, the last line in particular. However, I feel that 'the last ride' to me, feels somewhat too ambiguous.

as i say goodbye
life runs through my hands
fragile features taken away
is this what i worked for?

This is fantastically intimate. It draws out empathy in the reader, 'fragile features taken away' could quite possibly be my favourite line of the moment, it's truley wonderful. One small gripe though, life runs through my hands does seem to be slightly confusing, and I can't relate, which is a large dependant in the piece, IMO.

finally one chance
one mile
one ride away from this
one shot to the face of apathy

Take that apathy! I adore that line also. Now the ride you mentioned in the first stanza makes sense, so you can ignore that gripe now.

disaster bleeds black
swallow and you will drown
black swallows flying past
free from love, hate and empathy

Hm. 'Bleeding black' has always been a bit of a nails on chalkboard metaphor for me. However, it could just be me. It's slightly too self indulged, this stanza. It's not bad, just that little bit too much self indulgence.

one last word
nothing to decide
chosen paths
failure never hurt this much

I like this stanza. 'Failure' might be too strong a word to use though, it seems to jump out of the line too much, unless, of course, that was the desired effect.

will these wounds ever heal?
will these tears ever dry?
will this hate ever die?
will this life ever end?

It's a slightly clichèd thought pattern. However, it's still put forth very well.

hit another curb
face another hurdle
jump another fence
fight another friend

Hm. Sorry. This repetition doesn't quite work for me. It just seems slightly detached for me.

when this is over
know we can't come back
back to what once was
our life

Back to form. Another fantastic stanza. Loved this one. Kudos.

did you see?
did you feel?
did you even know
i always cared?

This repetition works, by far the best of the repetative stanzas.

vows spoken
gravestones carved
till death separates
till love tears apart

Very final, very definate, very well put, and thought provoking final line, me likes.


It's wonderfully intimate, almost dank, dark & dirty in it's own thoughts, and that is a good thing BTW. I enjoyed it. Wonderfully simplistic.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1223352
Gear:

Epiphone Sheraton 1962 50th Anniversary 212TV,

Ibanez TS-9 Tube Screamer,
Dunlop MXR Carbon Copy,
Vox V847 Wah-Wah,

Vox TB35C1.
#7
thanks alot guys! i'll crit your works when I got back home from school tonight!
GEAR:
Ibanez SR605
Some 71' P-Bass
Orange Bass Terror 500 > Markbass 4x10