#1
C4C ! ( leave link )

Lately, I just don't write as much as I used and liked to...


A wall of fog between south and north
traces an imaginary line
in which people in cars get lost,
in their attempt to cross that bridge.
In my Ford, I’m reaching that bank
fearless, though my vision fades to blank,
as I face the other side’s unknown.
I am heading south to find my north.
Atoms that involve me lost their form,
as shades dissolve in white silhouettes.
Palms start to sweat, while nerve’s still a child
shaped in a cigarette’s breath.
My skin is warm, but inside I shake
with trembling teeth and a chilling spine.
My mind’s debate is interrupted
by the white silence’s traffic lights.
A pile of abandoned cars surges
before my eyes and beyond my sight.
I also leave mine and deeply in-
hale the mist before I head to where
there’s life. The line I walk on is thin
and now my nerve’s an adult man
that influences my heartbeat,
as I look for abstract shadows
in paintings of Salvador Dali.

This is the part of the dream sequence
where every image stops making sense,
like the one where you’re chained to the poles
of the bridge you once wished to cross.
You conclude now you lost your north,
as you fail to find the exit of
this wall of fog; this haze in the eyes
of a blind man whose nerve’s senile,
who can take care of himself no more.
His wife has flipped and jumped off this bridge;
his daughter’s a whore in quest of lust.
He looks around for a glimpse of life
in the waters where his loved one died,
but he can’t see an ocean, he just
believes; at this point, that’s all there is.

These deformed souls await judgment.
In act of prayer, they hold their hands.
Equator’s purgatorial souls
are the poles who once chained a man.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Nov 3, 2009,
#2
overall, i liked it. there were only 2 spots that i felt kind of seemed out of place. first being "the atoms that involve me lost their form". involve seems like an odd word choice. i'm not sure what would be a good replacement though heh.

The second spot was "in paintings of Salvador Dali". I get your painting a surreal theme, but i feel like it would be better to just say "in paintings of the surreal" rather than listing a famous figure. It just kind of took me out of the scene you were creating by hearing his name.

but like i said, overall, i liked it.
#5
A wall of fog between south and north
traces an imaginary line
in which people in cars get lost,
in their attempt to cross that bridge.
The imagery here is very faint and weary. I can see how poetic it is, but if it were more solidly descriptive it would make for a finer opening, imo.

In my Ford, I’m reaching that bank
I like the way you brought something less metaphoric and more concrete in – "the Ford", which I think this piece needs. It's so distant and metaphoric that it's easy to become lost within a world of ideas. And that coincides with the possible “dreamlike” theme, but it's so hard to distinguish whether it makes good reading or not.
For me, a good piece is one that I can understand and find a use for in every line. There are sections within this piece that totally baffle me, that feel like are either filler, or are actually very important and I've missed the “memo”.

fearless, though my vision fades to blank,
as I face the other side’s unknown.
This is a bit clumsy.
I am heading south to find my north.
Great.
Atoms that involve me lost their form,
as shades dissolve in white silhouettes.
Once again, I'm lost in a barrage of incredibly complicated words and thoughts.

Palms start to sweat, while nerve’s still a child
shaped in a cigarette’s breath.
I really like the sentiment here, but you should probably reword it to something less elegant and more straight-up, to the point.

My skin is warm, but inside I shake
with trembling teeth and a chilling spine.
My mind’s debate is interrupted
by the white silence’s traffic lights.
Grrr... I'm lost. Give me a sat-nav! I think this “car” is really what is stumbling me.
A pile of abandoned cars surges
before my eyes and beyond my sight.
I also leave mine and deeply in-
hale the mist before I head to where
there’s life. The line I walk on is thin
and now my nerve’s an adult man
that influences my heartbeat,
as I look for abstract shadows
in paintings of Salvador Dali.
I'm sorry, but this is really starting to confuse me. I've read it quite a few times and nothing is poking it's head, apart from some sort of divide between insanity and sanity.

This is the part of the dream sequence
where every image stops making sense,
like the one where you’re chained to the poles
of the bridge you once wished to cross.
You conclude now you lost your north,
as you fail to find the exit of
this wall of fog; this haze in the eyes
of a blind man whose nerve’s senile,
who can take care of himself no more.
Okay, so now we realise it was a "dream" and your having a nightmare where your nerves are “cold?”
His wife has flipped and jumped off this bridge;
his daughter’s a ***** in quest of lust.
He looks around for a glimpse of life
in the waters where his loved one died,
but he can’t see an ocean, he just
believes; at this point, that’s all there is.
And he has been hurt and tormented by the dissolution of his family, which has brought about this nervous dimension of his character.

These deformed souls await judgment.
In act of prayer, they hold their hands.
Equator’s purgatorial souls
are the poles who once chained a man.
Finally, we have this thought of Salvador Dalí and his "dreamlike" artwork, which maybe ties in the idea of being lost between two cold fronts?

Some really awesome ideas and wordage, as normal, but I think you took the dreamlike thing a little too far, maybe?