#1
Give up, give in
brother, you're just too lame
and your weak sauce game
is not enough
so pack it up and head in
the storm is way to rough
and kid, you're none too tough
life's a bitch
you might as well just call in
tell God you're sick
you've had enough of his shit
you'll be there soon
to punch him in the face
if only he'll let you in

Combat love with sin
Brother you'll win the fight
with just one more night
of getting drunk
let the drowning begin
you're in a terrible funk
the booze will pick you back up
and let you fall
crashing to the ground again
then through it to hell
a place that suits you well
you'll be there soon
the winner of the race
but really, what did you win?
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#2
One of my best friends is a local rapper, and he's pretty good at it(If you're into that sort of thing). He can freestyle and just spits out rhymes like he was born saying them off the top of his head, and somehow it makes sense. Sometimes I do it with him, being a good sport and due to the fact that I actually find it fun(even if I'm white). Obviously, I'm not near as good and it all comes out choppy and I tie together all of the ideas extremely loosely since I'm doing it on the fly. Off topic but I have no idea how those dudes rap off the tops of their heads like that and make it make sense. If you try it, you realize just how damn hard it is. Mad props to them. But anyway, the choppiness and rhyme scheme reminds me of when I freestyle versus my rapper friend freestyling. It's thrown together sloppily. There are little stray phrases thrown in that are just trying to keep it all coherent, such as "is not enough".


Work on making it more fluid, your ideas running together easier without having to throw in that extra phrase just to tie it all together. Sorry for the random and vague analogy, but that's almost exactly what popped into my head even before I was done reading this.


Other than that there's not much wrong here. But work on what I already mentioned.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
It's actually very fluid the way it's sung. This is an acoustic song. But thank you for the advice.

My raps are much more clever than this
I want Super Saiyan abilities