#1
The fires trenched on through and through,
as men without passion blew a tune,
and those with no remorse took course,
and now we're wicked

The radio shutters on and off,
as the dark blue man does what he's taught,
I cannot walk,
with individual thoughts in my head

Don't you care babe, I'm just whining

Open your wings and spread them fast,
the same love story will always last,
theres no escaping the past's fate,
but don't let it weigh you down like lead

Mistreated overseas so free,
bleeding he's eternally,
torn when born to morn his worn scorn,
and lonely travels the Garden of Eden

Don't you care girl, I'm just dying

When I talk about learning something new,
it all comes down to you,
to straighten things i thought i knew,
don't teach me about y-o-u

Such a fair world, we're all still lying


http://www.myspace.com/tswigruss

I just put this to a guitar part, and got a little crazy on the mixing, let me know what you think, its the only song on my player and feel free to check out the video as well(its a Dylan cover).
Last edited by 7leafvacation at Mar 3, 2010,
#2
Quote by 7leafvacation
The fires trenched on through and through,
as men without passion blew a tune,
and those with no remorse took course,
and now we're wicked
That last line threw me off, the meter count just made the rhythm come to a complete halt. Don't get me wrong, I very much like it, but the interrupted flow itched at the back of my head

The radio shutters on and off,
as the dark blue man does what he's taught,
I cannot walk,
with individual thoughts in my head
The mysterious blue man could have been a bit more interesting, i think, and the flow again twitches

Don't you care babe, I'm just whining

Open your wings and spread them fast,
the same love story will always last,
theres no escaping the past's fate,
but don't let it weigh you down like lead
As compared to the rest, this stanza feels like it went nowhere. Nothing accomplished, nothing changed, nothing new was said... More you thinking in words than anything else. Now that's not necessarily bad, but it's not to my individual pleasing, and it doesn't particularly seem to fit here.

Mistreated overseas so free,
bleeding he's eternally,
torn when born to morn his worn scorn,
and lonely travels the Garden of Eden
Holy hell, was that tongue twister on purpose ? I'm not sure if I love it or hate it, but it's certainly not in between

Don't you care girl, I'm just dying
I think this sounds too much like the last single line, while the next one sounds nothing like them. Kinda throws off the mood you set with these

When I talk about learning something new,
it all comes down to you,
to straighten things i thought i knew,
don't teach me about y-o-u
Nice rhyming, works out here better than anywhere else in this piece

Such a fair world, we're all still lying

Actually, a fairly solid piece,
certainly enjoyed reading it
if you wouldn't mind taking a look at my latest (yellow link in my sig) you'd be my hero
#3
Reminds me a lot of Dylan's "It's Alright, Ma", with the title and the "Don't you care babe, I'm just whining" part, and also the "thick" verses. I can imagine this done to that riff and melody pretty well.

That isn't necessarily a bad thing, though... I'm a total Dylan nut though, so I might be a little jaded here.
#4
This song is based entirely off of that song. The name is a line from that song. I'm glad somebody noticed that

and thanks for the feedback grey eye, ill check ur song out in just a little bit

EDIT:
Hey sorry i still haven't checked out your song yet, i just wanted to say this song name has been changed to 'Break of Noon,' and i have a video of me doing it, so leave me comments on here or youtube and let me know what you think!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqB95uXoG1U
Last edited by 7leafvacation at Mar 3, 2010,