#1
Everything was good
like i never thought it would
i finally found a girl to call mine
to think about all the time

You and me were together
holding hands in the sunny weather
you were mine and i was yours
we were in love without a cause

Feelings are really strange
two seconds and they decide change
sometimes you just can't control them
i am so sorry, i truly am
i truly am.

Life's back to being unfair
nobody giving a care
what can i do now
to turn this around

Feelings are really strange
two seconds and they decide change
sometimes you just can't control them
i am so sorry, i truly am
i truly am.

SOLO

Feelings are really strange
two seconds and they decide change
sometimes you just can't control them
i am so sorry, i truly am
i truly am.

i truly am. x5 (Fade Out)
Last edited by Donvalley at Nov 6, 2009,
#2
You must be proud. I remember my first song
Grats!
1. You're surfing the internet.
2. You're browsing through the UG forums.
3. You're reading now.
5. You didn't notice that there was no #4.
6. You just checked it.
7. Now you're having a lil smile.

Quote by hawk_kst
You Sir, have the best signature like ever!
#3
Quote by Kozlic
You must be proud. I remember my first song
Grats!


so you like it??
#4
Any More Comments On My First Song?
Last edited by Donvalley at Nov 4, 2009,
#5
I think its cool.
Sounds a tad bit generic..
Like some of the lines are quite reused but, overall I like it.
Grats on your first song
#7
personally, i would never want to hear this.

but, my first song was probably worse.

however, try using more interesting words and concepts, maybe introduce more of a conflict.
#8
As easy as it is to rhyme, It's extremely difficult to make it sound good and have a nice flow. I liked the intro, well the fact that it starts out by giving a background inside of a present reference. I guess the best crit I can give is to extend on the versus's. maybe add one inbetween the first and second, giving a little transition.
Congrats on the first piece!
#9
Quote by DreamCatchMe
As easy as it is to rhyme, It's extremely difficult to make it sound good and have a nice flow. I liked the intro, well the fact that it starts out by giving a background inside of a present reference. I guess the best crit I can give is to extend on the versus's. maybe add one inbetween the first and second, giving a little transition.
Congrats on the first piece!


so add another line in the verses?
#11
Yeah, I remember my first lyrics too...Sucked worse then if K-Fed tried rock music Yours aren't bad, the theme's just been churned out by mainstream so many times it's unoriginal. But don't worry, you're already showing originality in an already overprocessed theme! Keep up the good work, dude!
#12
For a first song its a decent effort. The main problem is that this subject has been done a million times by every guy and his dog. Its hard to get past the "ohh i've heard this all before" effect that these types of songs have on a listener. I'm not sure that this piece does that.
Quote by Donvalley
Everything was good
like i never thought it would
i finally found a girl to call mine
to think about all the time

This verse was good.


Quote by Donvalley

You and me were together
holding hands in the sunny weather
you were mine and i was yours
we were in love without a cause

The first two lines are nice, but the last "cause" sounds off. I'm not quite sure what that line is supposed to mean, it seems to just be there to rhyme.


Quote by Donvalley

Feelings are really strange
two seconds and they decide change
sometimes you just can't control them
i am so sorry, i truly am
i truly am.

Again, first two lines of the chorus are nice however the last line lets it down.


Quote by Donvalley

Life's back to being unfair
nobody giving a care
what can i do now
to turn this around

This verse really sinks the song back into "cliche breakup song". Life and unfair are too cliche to use in the same sentence. Then rhyming it with care doesn't help your prospects.

Overall, its a decent effort. Most of the rhymes sound very forced though. Not all of the lines have to rhyme perfectly.
#13
Quote by romanqwerty
For a first song its a decent effort. The main problem is that this subject has been done a million times by every guy and his dog. Its hard to get past the "ohh i've heard this all before" effect that these types of songs have on a listener. I'm not sure that this piece does that.

This verse was good.


The first two lines are nice, but the last "cause" sounds off. I'm not quite sure what that line is supposed to mean, it seems to just be there to rhyme.


Again, first two lines of the chorus are nice however the last line lets it down.


This verse really sinks the song back into "cliche breakup song". Life and unfair are too cliche to use in the same sentence. Then rhyming it with care doesn't help your prospects.

Overall, its a decent effort. Most of the rhymes sound very forced though. Not all of the lines have to rhyme perfectly.


note taken will do some more changes soon
#14
Quote by ChucklesMginty
The amount of syllables in each line is very off, so there's not much of a flow.


when you play it on guitar though, the words spread out with the melody. That makes the flow come back
#15
Quote by Donvalley
when you play it on guitar though, the words spread out with the melody. That makes the flow come back


Well we aren't hearing the melody here, we're hearing the lyrics.

I take into consideration that this is your first song but I would enjoy this a hell of a lot more with some story development.

I'd like to see you use some of your ideas. These songs have been worked into the ground.
#16
this song is about a girl who i have been crazy about for months, we finally went out, after a week i broke up with her becuase the feeling just wasn't there, and she was mad at me so i needed to say sorry in someway. this was the result