#1
Sitting at a distance where I just can't reach her
her bangs flow through her fingers
as I do my best not to stare
tears trail down her hair
and her brown eyes hide behind the palms of her hands
In all my fantasies I am brave enough
to pull back her mask and tell her not to cry anymore

I could be the one she hides behind
while I chase the monsters away
I could be the arms she sleeps inside
to keep all the nightmares at bay
When she's feeling cold she could turn into me
and lean in slowly
If only, if only,
I could keep her warm

She sits across the couch with her arms crossed
not looking at me, I just can't reach her
she won't look at me now
as I tell her everything
Without a sound, she breaks down
and she leaves so effortlessly
she doesn't know me anymore
she won't look at me anymore

I could be the one she hides behind
while I chase the monsters away
I could be the arms she sleeps inside
to keep all the nightmares at bay
When she's feeling cold she could turn into me
and lean in slowly
If only, if only,
I could keep her warm

I feel no eyes on my skin
she won't look at me now
I'll never be the one to keep her warm
she'll never turn to me now
I won't be the one to fight away her fears
If only, if only,
I could keep her warm
#2
The opening of this piece was well done.
to pull back her mask and tell her not to cry anymore
I feel this would work better if you were too "...mask and comfort her" or something of the like.
while I chase the monsters away
This made me smile a bit. It seems very childish but suits the piece fairly well.
Without a sound, she breaks down
This line f's with the flow. Also, compared to the first stanza, the stanza this line is from rather seems poor.
The end leaves me thinking that you complain too much.

This was cliche but I'll ignore that. What got me about this is that it's a "what if" kind of piece. Personally, I'll often find myself saying, "so what? that's not actually happening." That wasn't entirely the case this time.

A thought or two on the one in my sig if you can find the time.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Nov 4, 2009,
#3
Overall I think it's a pretty good piece. The only thing I didn't follow with is the story itself. the beginning made sense, and I really liked it. But the 2nd verse, there's no story. It went to loving from a distance, to hurting them? You jackass haha. I would say write a verse in between the first and second, explain the transition of you two becoming "a couple". I liked the last chorus too. You definitaly sound like a douche though, getting a hurt girl to turst you, and then just hurting her. And I mean that in a way that you should try and make yourself sound a little better.
Good write though.
#4
this just conveyed a sense of remorse honestly and theres nothing wrong with that. you don't have to concentrate on a story. the sound prob would convey it all