#1
Haven't posted anything for a while, so here's a short story I'm working on. IF it goes down well, I'll post the rest. Anyone interested in the properly formatted version (there's a lot of fancy text and the like), let me know. If there's enough interest, I'll throw up a link. c4c.

Eels

THE KILLER IS AN EIL

Well, it wasn’t the strangest thing I’d ever seen written on a crime scene wall, but it was pretty damn close. Was a time when killers who left clues could spell though.
“The killer is an eel?” my partner muttered beside me.
“That’s what it says,” I said. “Make sure you get the spelling right, could be important I guess.”
“Not unless he wants to get off on a retard plea,” my partner quipped. I could forgive the oversight; add it to a list far too long to remember. I’d learnt over the years to deal with the old man’s complete lack of tact or grace. You see what he’s seen in his life; you get a little rough around the edges.
“So where’s this rate, old man?” I asked him, moving around the SOCOs photographing and documenting.
“High end of pretty f
#2
OMG! come on muthafuc**** lol finish it!!! i want to read the rest!!!!! whaaaaa!!!!!


you sir are a good writer of stories my friend. Write a book and I'll definitely buy it.

One little criticism though, it would be nice if you developed the character more in the beginning and give more visual description of the characters AND the crime scenes. That would be something I would like. lol I have a thing for gruesome and gory serial killer tv shows, movies, books, etc. Also I think it would prolong the anticipation of the reader and keep him or her at the edge of their seat because the scenes just go by real quick. Some guy gets killed then next paragraph, he's the most notorious serial killer and 2 weeks has past. huh? lol But I do understand that this is a "short" story so what you have already is really well written and I love it. Good job man.

Now let me read the REST!!!!! lol
#3
Valid critiques, my friend. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I've stayed away from the gruesome descriptions just because that's what everyone expects. I didn't want the story to get bogged down in a gore fest, as fun as it is. I didn't want it to be another Saw or Se7en. I'm considering turning it into a novel/novella after i finish the short story, which would allow for more details, character development, basically all you've been missing. As it is, the story will only be 20 or so pages, so I can't risk losing the pace with the descriptions. Thank you again.
#4
I'll keep an eye for the followings chapters you'll post about this. I liked it. Ending really makes you want to read the rest.
#5
You see what he’s seen in his life; you get a little rough around the edges.

Comma here, not a semicolon.

I also don't like the "my partner" twice in three lines.
“High end of pretty ****ing sick, borderline out of their ****ing mind.”

Verb/subject agreement issue here -- either make the pronoun singular with "mind" or use "minds."

Other than that, I like where you're going with it. I think you should take a little time to slow down and flesh out some details, though. For example, you rush straight into the oddity on the wall of the crime scene without really giving the reader a feeling of the scene itself. Remember that the character you're writing is a detective, so he's going to be making observations and judgments about everything. You should try to convey that more in your writing to make your character more believable.

As an aside, I just read the reply of the guy above me and your response, but I'm not erasing what I wrote, so

Twenty pages is a good amount of space (especially on standard-sized paper), so I think you should spend some time getting into some detail. It'll definitely improve the quality of your piece overall and make it more readable. You're teasing your reader's sense of intrigue without really stimulating their sense of imagination.
Hi, I'm Peter
Last edited by Dirk Gently at Nov 5, 2009,
#6
it's actually only standard paperback size. I think when I finish this (I'm still a little way from the end) I might go back through and flesh it out. I can understand what youre saying. Thanks for the grammar stuff, too.
#7
Towards the end you changed "Ric" to "Rick" on one occurrence. Just thought I would point that out.

As I was reading this I thought holy hell. slow down. Let's think about this crime scene a bit more. Maybe tell me about that sexy secretary, how you stopped to get coffee, how you doodled on the restaurant napkins and worked out a problem with the case.

Anyway, where was I? Oh right, the envelope.
Narrations such as this felt unnecessary.

I don't know if you've seen the movie "Zodiac"
But, that's a detective/mystery kind of movie. If I were you I would definitely acquaint myself with the speed of the movie just to get a feel of how the plot progresses in such a work.

Just add the detail. Smooth out the ride.


God damn though. I have to read the next part now.
I'll hit that up tomorrow for ya.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
I'm definitely coming back and fleshing all of these out, Scout's Honour. And yes, I have seen Zodiac. Brilliant movie.