#1
C4C.

My head is a hornets nest;
my sweat is giving off steam.
The light screams out ten'o six;
eight more hours of hopes to dream.

Insomnia is just a word;
from hell is another two.
My quick-thinking is a curse;
it's nights like these I stew.

The morning is so far away;
I'll lay awake for it all.
On this bed of nails I will stay;
sleeps a climb, not a fall.

I seem to have broken time;
it should flow, instead it drips.
I'm forcing my eyelids shut so tight;
I swear they're gonna rip.

My head is a hornets nest;
my sweat is giving off steam.
The light screams out ten'o six;
eight more hours of hopes to dream.

Insomnia is just a word;
from hell is another two.
My quick-thinking is a curse;
it's nights like these I stew.
Last edited by herby190 at Nov 6, 2009,
#3
My head is a hornets nest;
my sweat is giving off steam.
The light screams out ten'o six;
eight more hours of hopes to dream.
if this is a song, i would suggest not starting out with the chorus, because you only have one verse. It is catchy but unless there's more to the story it paints a small picture.
Insomnia is just a word;
from hell is another two.
My quick-thinking is a curse;
it's nights like these I stew.
Stew seems like a bit forced rhyme. I really like the first two lines though. good end to a chorus.
The morning is so far away;
I'll lay awake for it all.
On this bed of nails I will stay;
sleeps a climb, not a fall.
This last line is one of my favorites of the piece. Very clever.
I seem to have broken time;
it should flow, instead it drips.
My eyelids are closed too tight;
I think they're gonna rip.
I really like the first two lines. But closed too tight they're gonna rip... doesn't make sense to me and seems a little forced as well.
My head is a hornets nest;
my sweat is giving off steam.
The light screams out ten'o six;
eight more hours of hopes to dream.

Insomnia is just a word;
from hell is another two.
My quick-thinking is a curse;
it's nights like these I stew.

Pretty good piece over all. I'd say just add more to it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1211846
#4
Thanks for the crit; admitably, I didn't take the time on this I should have, so a couple rhymes really were forced; I'll have to go back and do a little rewriting.
As for the structure, it would probably make more sense within the structure of the song; it's written without any choruses, just different instrumental parts in between the verses to change it up. The first verse, being twice as long as the others, is the first two stanzas, the second verse is the third stanza, the third verse is the fourth stanza, the fourth verse (no guitar in this one, first half is drums only, then bass adds in) is the fifth stanza, and then the fifth verse is the last one.

I don't know if I'll have time to give a detailed crit on yours, which you deserve, seeing as you took time on mine. I'm currently getting ready for school, and I think the bus is going to be here soon. I'll do it later today.
#5
like the rhymes you put it
it makes it more catchy,

but add a little more, i dont like the same few lines being repeated,
but good job
Quote by Lil Macker
Please tell me he's not from The Pit. That place changes people...

*shudders*
#6
Woah I really like this.
'I seem to have broken time;
it should flow, instead it drips.
I'm forcing my eyelids shut so tight;
I swear they're gonna rip.'
Sounds great and you have a good flow. I like your idea of repeating the bits too, fits with the lyrics imo. Nice work! =D

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1226714