#1
There seemed to be some interest to the first part, so here's the second. c4c. Hit me with links, plz, so I don't have to hunt for pieces.

“Try them again,” Eric said. We were standing behind a police line around the house
my house
inside a SWAT van. I shook my head, placing the phone down for the third time.
“That’s it, Ric. They’re not answering. Either there’s no one there or…”
“Don’t, Dick.” He put a hand on my shoulder and turned to the SWAT captain beside him. “What have you got, Captain?”
“We’ve got eyes on all windows, but that’s the best we can get from this location.”
“And?”
“It looks clear.”
Ric sighed and looked at me. “Your call, Dick.”
I clenched my fist. “Do it.”

It was like the mannequin factory all over again. Smash down the door, flashlights and guns raised, repeated cries of “Clear!” and then the horror behind door number one. I still have no memory of what happened in that house, so I’ve stuck Ric’s notes here. It’s the best I can do.

The SWAT team moved through the house, clearing each room until we reached the master bedroom upstairs. Inside the room we discovered the mutilated bodies of Detective York’s wife and child. The killer had decapitated both bodies, but not before violently stabbing them. It looked like a slaughterhouse. I tried to keep Detective York out of the room, but he burst through. On seeing the bodies of his family, he became hysterical, screaming and thrashing, before running out of the hall. The paramedics and SOCOs were in the house moments after we discovered the bodies and I found Detective York outside, leaning against an ambulance, shooing away a distressed paramedic. I told the paramedic that I would look after York and after a short debate, the paramedic left. I implored York to go to the hospital until the scene was processed. I told him he could stay with me until the house was opened again. He just stared blankly ahead at the wall. Following his eyes, I saw a message written on the wall of the house, shown photographed below:
LOOK CLOSER DETECTIVE
and beneath the writing was the severed heads of Detective York’s wife and daughter. York turned to me and he appeared broken. He swore that this was personal now, before walking off into the night. I let him go.


I came to my senses in the park, lying on a bench. My phone was ringing.
“Hello, Detective.” I sat upright, and I was back in the bedroom of my house, surrounded by the bodies. The police were nowhere in sight, nor were any of the SOCO’s evidence markers. A man sat in front of me, shrouded in darkness. “Hello, Detective,” he repeated.
“Who are you?” I asked.
“Haven’t you worked it out yet?”
lookcloseryouareGodsthekillerisaneil
I shook my head, clearing the whispering voices.”Why?” I asked, trying not to look beside me at the bodies.
“The first question was a better one, Detective, for it has an answer. Perhaps not one that would satisfy you. Look closer, Detective.” I screamed in frustration and rushed towards the man, only to slam into a wall. I fell back, inside the Mannequin factory.
THE KILLER IS AN EIL
Darkness began to creep in, slowly hiding the words one letter at a time. I frowned, something itching at my mind.
Look closer.
“A Neil,” I muttered. “The killer is A Neil.”
But it couldn’t be, that didn’t make sense. A Neil was dead.
#2
I'll be back.


Edit: Well I'm back, and I have to say damn. This has developed so much more than your last short story, I think it was the Four Walls one. Every time you write something like this, it gets better. This one really yanked me down the page, my eyes got whiplash. Okay maybe not. But really, at one point I audibly said "wow" at how much better this was from the last one. Your previous stories don't even compare at all, at least not for me.

Now that's just in comparison, but there's still a major problem and I'm pretty sure someone else said it somewhere in the other one, and it's that this whole thing moves way too fast. There's just so much to a murder mystery cop story like this that you can't really condense it down to a couple pages worth of writing and still have it all there. At times I felt like there was some missing and at others I felt like it was just moving really, really, really unnecessarily fast. It doesn't help that this story could have a lot to it if you wanted. I would have liked to know he had a wife and kids before I found out they were dead, for instance. There's just so much more you could say. That's my only complaint, though.


Very nice. First piece of prose from you I have been able to really get into.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Nov 6, 2009,
#3
this was great.
perfect blend of descriptive language and strong direct narrative.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
Brilliant. I couldn't really speak badly if I tried to. I loved it.

Good work, man. Keep writing

Not much of a crit. Not a crit at all. Sorry.