#1
Hey guys,
Here's on of the first full songs I've written.
Music for it can be found here:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22041060
The music will be generally the same except with a different solo + more iterations of the outro.

Cause baby
It's just you and I alone tonight
In a crowded old room
But they don't mean a thing
Their empty faces lifeless
The canvas untouched

All they need is a spark to ignite that fire
To brandish their selves and step out into the light

And you can be the artist of this workld
Or you can be a canvas
But I won't let your soul go to waste
No, not tonight

And a phone is off the hook and as pick it up
I hear your voice and million tears fall down on me
No they can't give they just take and take
And your heart is everything but yours

And your heart is everything but yours
And your heart is everything but yours


Would love some feedback! =D
#3
Cause baby
It's just you and I alone tonight
In a crowded old room
But they don't mean a thing
Their empty faces lifeless
The canvas untouched

All they need is a spark to ignite that fire
To brandish their selves and step out into the light

Definitely the strongest section of the piece, in my opinion. Overall I thought it was very well written. I love the canvas/world thing. That's how I look at things Seriously, well done.

I will say, though, that it did (to me) get weaker towards the middle, and picked back up again at the end. Specifically the artist or canvas bit, mainly just because of the wording. You kind of play at the world being a canvas, aswell as each person being their own canvas, which I wasn't sure if that was intended or not.

Like I said, only a few small complaints. Over all a strong piece.
#5
Quote by Drummerrrrr?

And you can be the artist of this workld
Or you can be a canvas


This was the best line in the song, nicely put.

The two lines after it seem a little out of place in the verse though in addition to being kind of cliche. It seems to get going with a great idea in the quoted line, then sorta drop away. I would consider expanding that verse a bit.
#6
Cause baby
It's just you and I alone tonight
In a crowded old room
But they don't mean a thing
Their empty faces lifeless
The canvas untouched


Its not a bad opening verse - the last line is good, really sets up the piece. However I don't know what it is, but the line "Their empty faces lifeless" troubles me. I think it just sounds a bit cliche, thats not to say it doesn't work here, i just don't think its ground-breaking.

All they need is a spark to ignite that fire
To brandish their selves and step out into the light


I like the first line, but i think maybe you should explore another word instead of "brandish" - sounds more middle earth than anything.

And you can be the artist of this workld
Or you can be a canvas
But I won't let your soul go to waste
No, not tonight


As someone already said, the first two lines are probably the best two in the piece. good stuff.

And a phone is off the hook and as pick it up
I hear your voice and million tears fall down on me
No they can't give they just take and take
And your heart is everything but yours
And your heart is everything but yours
And your heart is everything but yours


Kinda reminds me of something Dashboard Confessional would sing, which while isn't to my taste, it is well written. I can't really find anything wrong with it - and on a side - i think your music to it it pretty sweet.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#7
Thanks for that, I was pretty happy with what I had down, except I was too sure if the artist/canvas bit would work too well. But I'm a lot more confident with the song now that I have some good feedback. I'm still more of a music guy than a lyrics guy hahaha, thanks again!
#8
Cause baby
It's just you and I alone tonight
In a crowded old room
But they don't mean a thing
Their empty faces lifeless
The canvas untouched

I dont really know what to say about this first verse. I really don't think it makes much sense at all. no offense. "cause baby, it's just you and I alone tonight" is a fragment and you don't even complete the thought. because we're alone...so what? ...then I read the next two lines..."in a crowded old room, but they don't mean a thing" what doesn't mean a thing? the old rooms? and what does this have to do with the first two lines? then the last two lines are just out of nowhere..and i'm like "wth is is about?"

All they need is a spark to ignite that fire
To brandish their selves and step out into the light

mmm okay

And you can be the artist of this workld
Or you can be a canvas
But I won't let your soul go to waste
No, not tonight

this makes sense. this is good lol. in my opinion though, take off the last line. so far I can tell (i think) its about a girl. and if a girl reads this and sees "no, not tonight" then they're just gonna be like "oh this guy just wants a one night stand" lol

And a phone is off the hook and as pick it up
I hear your voice and million tears fall down on me
No they can't give they just take and take
And your heart is everything but yours

my reaction to the first two lines is...ooo heartbreak..i like it though. the way you wrote it makes it sound like you can even hear the tears. good imagery. third line would be perfect if you just change "they" to "you" because the whole stanza is in "you/I" point of view, then you just switch it to "they" for one line. doesn't flow well. just change it to you, and this will be perfect in my opinion

sooo my opinion of this overall piece is ...meh its alright. could be a lot better. spend some time re writing the first verse and actually tell us whats going on. or show us like how you did in the last verse. because it just seems like you are trying to be all cryptic and stuff with your verses and I really don't know whats going on half the time.

you have some good material here. just keep working at it. =)