#1
It's one of the first raps I've written. I usually stick to poetry. Hope you like it, please comment with any suggestions, opinions, congratulations, or flames. C:

Lives lived like war crimes
children huddled over fathers crying
father's recklessly fighting and dying
brother's spilling their blood fighting for liars

Wives become single mothers
A man needs to be able to lean on his brothers
a nation needs to be able to call on all others
An idea needs to be protected from objective thought

And if it's subjected to objections
then there's a war to be fought
victory not to the young men who fought it
victory goes to the bastards who bought it

The human soul has been lost
because every man has a cost
and if a man can't be bought
then it's obvious that that man needs to be shot

We've all been taught
to have the strength of will
needed to kill thoughtlessly
needed to enslave our brothers needlessly
rather than sit and talk with eachother reasonably

It's the human condition
and our cultural disposition
a few thousand years of tradition
tell us to fight our wars with attrition

because we have an addiction
and the drug is control
and it's got a vice grip
on both the young and the old

And a thousand times over
this story's been told
not to help the sick and the weak
but to reward the brave and the bold

the smart and the cold
the lives of brave men
get bought and sold
it's a sad record set on repeat

It's the lives of so many men
who had to live with defeat
not because the battle was lost
but because of victory's cost

and the intentions of powerful men
cause concern and loss
every soul has a body
and everybody has a boss

and whether or not
your boss is God or Man's law
The reason to fight
is in all the things your father saw

and can never unsee
and his pain is felt most universally
by every poor soul

who ever died on foreign soil
And his questioning mind
is represented on every face
that's ever seen his brother's blood shine

in the moonlight
it's beautiful glisten
not meant to be spilled
God forbid we listen

to something wiser than us
it's the real humans in us
saying war is not for the brave and the bold
It's for the dead and the cold.
#2
Wow, I'm no fan of rap but that is staggeringly well worded. So many blunt points that ring true. Very nice lyrics.
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#4
Stunning, made me think of Hands Held High by LP, not that its familiar or youre ripping off, just made me think of it. Very good writing!
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#5
Thanks for all the positive feedback C: Anything you found particularly annoying or clunky in the piece? Anything you'd change?
#6
As others have said, very well done, the vast majority of this was brilliant.

Quote by SunsetAlphabet

An idea needs to be protected from objective thought


I don't like this line, because i think you may have a different meaning of "objective thought" than i do. I tend to think of objective as the idea of objective/subjective and hence similar to rational, for lack of another word. Surely a good idea is impervious to rational thought.

If instead you mean objective as in clear pre-meditated intentions then i would consider substituting for a different adjective to make it more clear.


Quote by SunsetAlphabet

the smart and the cold

This line feels like its just in there to take up space. It doesn't really seem to lead into the lines after it like the rest of the piece does.


Quote by SunsetAlphabet

and can never unsee
and his pain is felt most universally
by every poor soul

The excellent rhythm you had going for most of the song seems to lose its place for 2 verses here before picking it up at the end. This might just be how i'm reading it though.


Overall this was a fantastic effort, some of the best of seen on this site for a while.
#7
Thanks for the crit

The objective part bit, it's kind of a play on words. But it's a confusing one. That was sort of the point at the time, but now when I reread it I see that it's more confusing than it's worth.

The smart and the cold refers to the people who are buying and selling us. I couldn't imagine any other kind of person could be capable of it. Though I agree, the line feels forced and I will change it when I edit the piece.

I actually rapped it to a beat, so it fits fairly well. You might not know it, but the beginning is the part that is the biggest stretch to fit it into the beat. I'll post the song I used later.

This was done in only about 15 or 20 minutes, so I really appreciate that people liked it as much as they did. Those faults you've pointed out, I will try to change those before recording it. Thanks for the help.