#1
This is the first part (Life) of a 2-way-song i am working on, it´s still unfinished but i hope to get some feedback from the people here. And to be a fair man, i´ll crit your lyrics to.

Sick and tired of not feeling alright
Bright light coming down over city times
Wandering trough the streets
Not getting what my body really needs

Aggresive and a conjured mind
Fresh air is getting me nowhere.
Inside is where i rather stay
Then go out and have fun all day

Sitting alone at the table
Looking trough the room
All these times i´ve wasted here
No one will ever know

Where do you go when you don´t want to stay
Where are sins if you don´t want to pray
Where is your faith if you don´t believe
Where do you go

When i wake up in the morning
I don´t look forward to the night
I keep asking myself this question
If you die would you really mind

When did time go by so fast
I thought that my childhood would always last
I can remember happy days
But now it seems we´ve parted ways.

In a glass box i suffocate
And the outsiders look away
Only thinking about themselves
Only them and no one else

It used to be so good
But i guess i misunderstood
My life didn´t go as planned
Maybe I´m better off dead in the end.

As i pass the windows
People finally point at me
I can count the cracks in the sidewalk
People will finally see.


I don´t really have an ending right now but i thought maybe you guys could help
Quote by Holy Katana
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Quote by titsmcgee852
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#2
It's really good
but
Only thinking about themselves
Only them and no one else
is maybe a little harsh, but that's just me
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#3
Quote by 08L1V10N
It's really good
but
Only thinking about themselves
Only them and no one else
is maybe a little harsh, but that's just me


No, it´s not you, after you posted that i re-read it and saw that might a bit TO. Thanks for your feedback
Quote by Holy Katana
Your last job only paid you $7.00 AUD an hour? That's like $6.05 in the US. What the hell is the minimum wage over there?


Quote by titsmcgee852
$0 for volunteer work

ollollolollol


^
#4
could flow a lot better. try to be more descriptive, you seem to know what you're going for but most of what you wrote isn't very interesting.

When i wake up in the morning
I don´t look forward to the night


this doesn't make much sense at all.

Aggresive and a conjured mind


neither does this.

Sick and tired of not feeling alright


'not feeling alright' is a pretty weak follow-up to 'sick and tired.'

Bright light coming down over city times


what?

Wandering trough the streets
Not getting what my body really needs


how does this fit in?
#5
i like it, not sure what to add for ending, what ever it will be it will sound good i am sure of it
#6
could flow a lot better. try to be more descriptive, you seem to know what you're going for but most of what you wrote isn't very interesting.

Quote:
When i wake up in the morning
I don´t look forward to the night

Means i don´t look forward to the end of the day because i am to busy questioning if life has any mean left.


this doesn't make much sense at all.

Quote:
Aggresive and a conjured mind

Meaning my mind is seriously abnormal


neither does this.

Quote:
Sick and tired of not feeling alright


'not feeling alright' is a pretty weak follow-up to 'sick and tired.'

True, i possible be changing that.

Quote:
Bright light coming down over city times

The sentence before that said i was walking trough the streets and this is indicating what kind of weather/setting it is in

what?


Quote:
Wandering trough the streets
Not getting what my body really needs


how does this fit in?


Perhaps you need a little more background info on that one, wich you would find out in the 2nd part


Thanks for your feedback it will help alot when i go an wre-write or re-think the lyrics. The bold parts are added as a reaction to your feedback, do not take this as a ´STFU my lyrics are teh best´

@ Donvalley. thanks It feels good when someone likes something you wrote.
Quote by Holy Katana
Your last job only paid you $7.00 AUD an hour? That's like $6.05 in the US. What the hell is the minimum wage over there?


Quote by titsmcgee852
$0 for volunteer work

ollollolollol


^