#1
They are closer than they look,
seated to a small round table
at a damp basement conversion,
turned a candlelit French bistro.
In the throes of conversation
they are smiling each in turn,
as if tones are orchestrated
by a telepathic symphony.
Shadowed by the chic décor,
a dialogue divided into fractions
is in eyes that pay their dues
to each second of reality.
On the verge of speaking truths,
never meant for giving up,
they are caught in their own trap
of a different existence.
Troops erected in between them,
smells and tastes of pure distraction,
actions of their other hunger
left to win the fore-lost battle.

There, a couple at a table
sits in quiet, unintended,
cutting cutlets in the silence
of words that should be painted
in the air.

Sign Language
This is not a pipe
#2
i love these few lines

There, a couple at a table
sits in quiet, unintended,
cutting cutlets in the silence
of words that should be painted
in the air.
#3
The sonics in this were gorgeous, and discovering the anticipated title at the end was a wonderful feeling. I really enjoyed this.
#4
I really like how you rhyme every other line. It implies a sort of catchy rhythm. And, as Donvalley already said, these few lines are genius.
Quote by Carmel

There, a couple at a table
sits in quiet, unintended,
cutting cutlets in the silence
of words that should be painted
in the air.

I just picture a quick, cutting delivery of this last part. It's awesome.
#6
22 words in the first sentence.
20 in the next
22 in the third
22 in the fourth
23 in the fifth.
24 in the sixth
and then "sign language" is by itself.

What I'm getting at is, what you have to say is fine. It's just that you say it in a such a long and unvaried way that it really should be broken up a bit. (not the first time I'm saying this)
Sure, you finally do this at the end to emphasize your point and make the title so very apparent. But, it's too late at that point.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#7
The bulk of the piece is five stanzas, four lines each. It's the most common division of concept in a lyrical modern piece of writing and I do not see the point in you counting the words, or the relevance. And I can't understand your suggestion to break it up. Isn't a full stop enough?

Now, perhaps you're saying that I'm repeating the content and ideas of what I'm saying over and over again in these lines, which I don't think I am. From my perspective I really do believe that I wrote every stanza to refer to a completely different aspect of the event. Maybe the meaning wasn't there for you though.

In regards to the title being at the bottom, you have to realise that a piece of writing sometimes isn't meant to be all figured out in one read. So don't tell me it's "too late", because my idea was to provide you with some sort of "aha" moment of understanding in the end, which will make you read over the piece again in order to extract the extra meaning. I do understand though, that if you didn't like the piece, you wouldn't want to read it again, and that's your right.

I'm pretty happy with the piece and think I achieved everything I wanted to, so I'm sorry if you didn't get it or like it, but whereas I think you were sometimes right to point out I overstretched my lines/ideas in my writing, this piece is very concise and perhaps its complexity is just something you don't like.

Either way, I appreciate your post very much as it helps me more than anything else to see how my writing is perceived, and is always taken into account for the future.
Really, thank you.

Thanks to everyone else, I'll be returning critiques to those invested enough to actually post an opinion.
This is not a pipe
#8
Saying that the title was at the bottom caused me to skip down and, more or less, cheat. Out of human nature, I was curious and scrolled down to see what this thing I'm reading is called. The thread title is practically a direction, argueably a command, and technically spoiled the ending. It eliminated any "aha" moment that I could recieve. Regardless, I still read this multiple times.
If you pick up a children's book, you'll notice that the sentence length doesn't vary much. It will have either very short sentences, or very long sentences. To my understanding, this repetition is done to help the child to fall asleep.
Now, to relate this to "sign language"...
Apply this concept to the piece and perhaps you don't have the reader's full attention at all times. Now, it's not like I became bored here, not by any means, but, if you were to write something much much longer and with an unvaried structure... my thoughts may begin to wander. I may even become slightly bored with it then.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#9
I read this Finish to start (to play along with the title at the bottom) - it works well; better I'd say.
#11
Quote by Carmel
They are closer than they look,
seated to a small round table
at a damp basement conversion,
turned a candlelit French bistro.
In the throes of conversation
they are smiling each in turn,
as if tones are orchestrated
by a telepathic symphony.
Shadowed by the chic décor,
a dialogue divided into fractions
is in eyes that pay their dues
to each second of reality.
On the verge of speaking truths,
never meant for giving up,
they are caught in their own trap
of a different existence.
Troops erected in between them,
smells and tastes of pure distraction,
actions of their other hunger
left to win the fore-lost battle.

There, a couple at a table
sits in quiet, unintended,
cutting cutlets in the silence
of words that should be painted
in the air.

Sign Language


There is so much in this piece that is clever, smart, and both writer and reader friendly that I conclude this is one of your most touching little pieces you've ever posted.

My only points would be the close proximity of "turned" and "turn" in stanza 1(/3), and that if don't make this wotw, they should be fired.

All of them.
#12
The ending of this was definitely well crafted to the point, dare I say, being the highlight of the piece. But I could only say that this was your intensions all along. You are very good at choosing distinct words and phrases that are textured to the point of presenting a different type of story; a different point of view, in terms of how the reader chooses to read it, and it worked well here. I also like how you took the english language as you own; I do think that you very much structure your poems in a way that is a representation of your own self, or of the narrator (or sometimes both) which I really do admire.The only phrase that I personally wasn't too fond of was "Telepathic Symphony"-it didn't really add anything to what I already had pictured in my head before I got across reading that phrase.

All in all, this was fantastically written. It is nice that we still have writers who write as inticately as you do here at UG, Carmel
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 9, 2009,