#1
c4c.

Post-race: Churned over gravel spits bitumen
while discarded leftovers are flung into dumpsters.
Condiments encrusted with yellowing glass shine
off the rival, the brother, the pitiless sun.
Cigarette butts tear the grass, rippling like clouds
their ink blots snuffing out candle wicks, one by one
as dusty churches fade in song and fade in decay.
Cracked and peeling among the camomile,
the tower bell will cry out all through the night
when the desert birds in their packs loom,
a black and distorted mass that can blot out the moon.

Pre-race: Ants retreat to the fields in numbers,
as a faint glimmer of summer approaches.
Autumn dew falls by the ancient oaks,
which brush by feathered hats and burnt faces.
A roar of delight reaches through the crowd,
as the people stop with hushed breath
the opening of the gates, one by one
an occasion that can halt and swallow a nation.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Nov 7, 2009,
#2
It tells a story which is cool and the imagery is good it just seems to be all about fitting as much abstract imagery as possible which I normally like but in this context it seems to be a bit much. It's good though, it would be helpful if I knew what genre this was as that could change my interpretation of it
#3
Quote by Nergal22691
It tells a story which is cool and the imagery is good it just seems to be all about fitting as much abstract imagery as possible which I normally like but in this context it seems to be a bit much. It's good though, it would be helpful if I knew what genre this was as that could change my interpretation of it


It's a poem. No way would this work well as as a song.

The point is that the first stanza contains a lot of desolate imagery and the second one is more raw. It's two different variations. I've said too much I think.
#4
oh I like it a lot more now haha i think it could work as a song but it would be some trippy ass music lol. it's very cool then, i like the more desolate imagery, probably due to my tastes in music and authors. but that is very good
#5
Quote by Nergal22691
oh I like it a lot more now haha i think it could work as a song but it would be some trippy ass music lol. it's very cool then, i like the more desolate imagery, probably due to my tastes in music and authors. but that is very good


thanks for the crit!

I think i'll just leave it as a poem. Spoken-word might work.

Yeah I wanted to contrast it I think.
#6
I read it twice and enjoyed it;It flowed well and I liked how the first section caused me to search a few words up on Dictionary.com lol. You set up the scene very well in both parts and you made it easy for me to imagine what you were describing.
#7
Quote by Wulf5577
I read it twice and enjoyed it;It flowed well and I liked how the first section caused me to search a few words up on Dictionary.com lol. You set up the scene very well in both parts and you made it easy for me to imagine what you were describing.


Thanks for the comments, that's what I was looking for in doing this piece.