#1
I'm a bassist in a punk band, and when I was playing around with my bass last week, I made a nice beat that eventually evolved into a song with these lyrics matching the beat. It's certainly not my best set of lyrics, but I liked the way it came out and its one my first sets of lyrics to become a full song. Normally my songs are MUCH longer, but this one is supposed to be one of those fast-paced punk songs. Enjoy.

Over and again,
Don’t remember when,
Everything was fine.
Cast the tears away,
Stay right here today,
Watch the sunset shine.

Can we stop for now?
And take in mind
What we have left.
But I don’t know how
I’ll do what I’ll do next.

Forever and ever again,
Never and ever then,
Things just don’t work out.
Here’s what I don’t get,
Wanna make a bet?
Take away the doubt.

Can we stop for now?
And take in mind
What we have left.
But I don’t know how
I’ll do what I’ll do next.

Once but not again,
Leading other men,
Nothing’s ending well.
Think to yesterday,
Make it go away,
Put me back through Hell.

Open up to me,
Tell me what you see,
Tell me if you’re fine.
What to say to you,
Don’t know what to do,
Where to draw the line?

Can we stop for now?
And take in mind
What we have left.
But I don’t know how
I’ll do what I’ll do next.

Can we stop for now?
And take in mind
What we have left.
But I don’t know how
I’ll do what I’ll do next.
Last edited by GreatJallopi at Nov 8, 2009,
#2
Hey Jallopi.

Just a few bits of forum advice first; don't bump your pieces. You'll get your threads closed and gain a fair bit of negative publicity. What's best is to critique as many other people's pieces as possible, putting in some effort, and linking them back to yours. Soon enough you'll realise who is worth critiquing, who responds back, and then you'll get alot better advice round these here parts. Plus, critiquing has helped me learn more than actually poeple critting my pieces, so it's a fun excercise too


Over and again,
Don’t remember when,
Everything was fine. (verse 1) <.. hint these labels are ugly too, just leave us with the lyrics
Cast the tears away,
Stay right here today,
Watch the sunset shine.

Good rhythm and beat. Everything in songwriting is about rhythm, even terrible lyrics with a beat are better than bland AND dead words

Can we stop for now?
And take in mind
What we have left. (chorus)
But I don’t know how
I’ll do what I’ll do next.
Not the most catchy of chorus', and this song is a little generic, but it works. Last line isn't the greatest of lines though. Not only is it a little tedious, but oddly confusing for a hook.

Forever and ever again,
Never and ever then,
Things just don’t work out. (verse 2)
Here’s what I don’t get,
Wanna make a bet?
Take away the doubt.

(repeat chorus)

Once but not again,
The "again"s do grate on the nerves.
Leading other men,
Nothing’s ending well. (verse 3)
Think to yesterday,
Make it go away,
Put me back through Hell.

Open up to me,
Tell me what you see,
Tell me if you’re fine. (bridge, whispered)
What to say to you,
Don’t know what to do,
Where to draw the line?

(repeat chorus twice)

It's generic and bog-standard, lyrics wise. I've read all these sorts of things before. But you have a solid rhythm to the words, rhyming that works (though a little tedious come the end) and a song structure that is solid and, well, usable.

It's good for what it is; but what it is isn't much, is a line that I have been told many times by one of the smartest and most cynical critiquers on the forum. But I feel it stands here without question; these lyrcis certainly work, but they are far from great.

Have a nice day amigo
#3
All right, thanks for the advice. Truthfully, this song is meant to be more about the beat than the lyrics. As far as the again's, I liked them but I guess they do seem a bit tedious. And as far as the last line in the chorus not being a hook, to give you in the idea this is kind of a "Blister in the Sun" type of song, or at least that's the song it reminds me of the most.

These are pretty far from my best lyrics. I guess I just wanted to get a bit of an opinion on them since I recently turned it into a full-on song. Eventually I'll post some of my better stuff.

Also, sorry for the double post before. For some reason I couldn't find the rules thread (likely because the formatting in my browser has been really bad lately), so I admit I hadn't read the rules. My apologies.
Last edited by GreatJallopi at Nov 8, 2009,