#1
Here are the lyrics for a new blackened death metal song my band is doing. I have been reading a lot of Lovecraft, and the book of Revelations and I think that comes through in this song. Note that in this genre of music rhyming isn't a big part of the lyrics (check out Nile, Behemoth, Children of Bodom, and most other current metal bands if you don't believe) so let me know if you like it

Beneath a nameless city I plot my revenge
Much that once was is lost in the mists of time
Darkness, enthroned triumphant on a mountain of skulls
In subterranean chambers shall I wait

Under the waning moon I call upon the wind
Which blows the souls of the damned from the Duat
From a valley of bones a prophet shall arise
A martyr to lay down his life for the wretched

In my debauched revelry I have slaked my thirst
I drink now the blood of my enemies as wine
From my chambers in the deep I wreak my revenge
I lay waste to the innocent and guilty alike

My death shall not be the end, but the beginning
From my bones, my line shall come the Nameless
Let my chambers collapse, let my scrolls be burned
I will not be forgotten for I am the Ageless

I, the Necromancer serve no other master
I do what I will, as now may it ever be
Last edited by Nergal22691 at Nov 8, 2009,
#2
thats awsome
Guitar/bass/mandolin stuff:
PRS SE Custom 24
PRS SE Paul Allender
Martin DCX1E
Squire Start
Memphis Bass
Johnson Savannah mando

Amp/effects/misc:
Digitech RP1000
Line 6 Spider Valve 212
Toneport Studio KB37


check out my last.fm!
#4
This is some great lyricism. The lines translated well into a Lovecraftian mood. I would reword the second line a tad though, as it's extremely similar to the opening speech in the first Lord of the Rings movie. The third verse is stellar, the part about slaking its thirst with the blood of its enemies is legitimately creepy. Really good work.
Quote by Ninjake
... isn't mung like, a bean?
#5
holy crap haha i just realized the Lord of the Rings reference there. I must have watched it so many times that by osmosis it just popped into my brain. You are right! I should reword that somehow. Thanks for your critique though! Much appreciated!
#6
That's pretty cool for a metal song, although I don't know anything about Lovecraftian. lol
#7
haha thanks. H.P. Lovecraft was an author in the early 20th century. He wrote horror stories and was a big influence on Stephen King. He's relatively unknown in the mainstream but he has a large cult following
#8
Quote by Nergal22691
Here are the lyrics for a new blackened death metal song my band is doing. I have been reading a lot of Lovecraft, Poe, and the book of Revelations and I think that comes through in this song. Note that in this genre of music rhyming isn't a big part of the lyrics (check out Nile, Behemoth, Children of Bodom, and most other current metal bands if you don't believe) so let me know if you like it

Beneath a nameless city I plot my revenge
Much that once was is lost in the mists of time
Darkness, enthroned triumphant on a mountain of skulls
In subterranean chambers shall I wait

I don't know if it's just me but that "mists of time" line is the biggest cliche. I think just watch some of the vocabulary here, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. "Darkness, enthroned triumphant" doesn't do much for your flow I think.

Under the waning moon I call upon the wind
Which blows the souls of the damned from the Duat
From a valley of bones a prophet shall arise
A martyr to lay down his life for the wretched

'Waning moon' is quite good, some nice moments here. I think when you give a name to these locations it comes alive. 'from the Duat' is a good example. You actually feel something with that.

In my debauched revelry I have slaked my thirst
I drink now the blood of my enemies as wine
From my chambers in the deep I wreak my revenge
I lay waste to the innocent and guilty alike

I'd use quenched here in that first line, It sounds more menacing then slaked but it's your choice. I think there's a lot of words you could use for debauched, i'm not sure if revelry goes well with it.

My death shall not be the end, but the beginning
From my bones, my line shall come the Nameless
Let my chambers collapse, let my scrolls be burned
I will not be forgotten for I am the Ageless

This is just my opinion but I would re-work that whole verse. You can see how theres been a change of pace in this stanza/verse but I would have it way more menacing. A good example of this is your inspiration. Edgar Allan Poe and Lovecraft always has some devastating ending for instance in Poe's the Black Cat "hideous beast whose craft had seduced me into murder, and whose informing voice had consigned me to the hangman" do you get that idea? I think this passage needs to be the strongest and this is by far the weakest in my opinion.

I, the Necromancer serve no other master
I do what I will, as now may it ever be

not a bad finish, no comments on that.



I can see what you're trying to do here I think, the song idea has been done over and over but you manage to bring some fresh ideas into it. I would watch your word use and I would change that second last verse as it would just adds more power to the song, and don't over do it either just make it menacing and make it lingering. You want people to think about this. It's not a bad start, good work.

If you could critique my latest work "At the races" I would be most grateful!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1227200
#9
Well the Duat is the name of the underworld in ancient Egyptian mythology and the idea of "flow is not really applicable in this genre of music, check out Nile and Behemoths lyrics to see what I mean
#10
And as it's screaming no one will really give a s**t what the lyrics are saying, it's all about creating a certain dark atmosphere, slaked fits the language of the song better as it's more archaic and I won't change the 2nd to last verse because it is the idea of the Necromancer making a prophecy that will be fulfilled in another song i'm working on, it's the idea that the story of this song doesn't end, that somehow this will come back in another song, which is something you would see quite often in Lovecraft. This song is just a part of a series which is why it doesn't end. And i'll look at your song. Thanks for the critique.
#11
Quote by Nergal22691
And as it's screaming no one will really give a s**t what the lyrics are saying, it's all about creating a certain dark atmosphere, slaked fits the language of the song better as it's more archaic and I won't change the 2nd to last verse because it is the idea of the Necromancer making a prophecy that will be fulfilled in another song i'm working on, it's the idea that the story of this song doesn't end, that somehow this will come back in another song, which is something you would see quite often in Lovecraft. This song is just a part of a series which is why it doesn't end. And i'll look at your song. Thanks for the critique.


Yeah I know those artists and I understand what you mean but understand that you are giving us lyrics here and we are reading them and analyzing them. By giving us lyrics we are taking it literally, so of course we will say when it doesn't flow well. This is why I always get a better impression when I hear the music as well as the lyrics.

Yeah I get that idea of it doesn't end but you sort of need to give us more in the sense of a story. Using more of that dark atmosphere maybe? I felt it was lacking something, I'm understanding it more now though, thanks.
#12
Yeah the music is finished we just don't have it recorded yet and we won't til I get home from college for break. I am changing the line about mists of time because I realized it's very close to one of the first lines in lord of the rings. Also some of the lines are in seemingly odd meter phrases because the music has a lot of odd meters. And yes it is kind of tricky to understand but then a lot of metal uses very abstract ideas and is not meant to be taken literally. what do you feel it's lacking? to me it's a relatively straightforward story but thats most likely because I wrote it and because i studied a lot of the things that I'm writing about very in-depth
#13
Quote by Nergal22691
Yeah the music is finished we just don't have it recorded yet and we won't til I get home from college for break. I am changing the line about mists of time because I realized it's very close to one of the first lines in lord of the rings. Also some of the lines are in seemingly odd meter phrases because the music has a lot of odd meters. And yes it is kind of tricky to understand but then a lot of metal uses very abstract ideas and is not meant to be taken literally. what do you feel it's lacking? to me it's a relatively straightforward story but thats most likely because I wrote it and because i studied a lot of the things that I'm writing about very in-depth


1. Yeah I know that, I listen to those bands. I'm not struggling with that.

2. But we have to take it literally in this format. I don't care that metal uses abstract ideas, you don't have to use those ideas so that's why I said this has been done and done. We have to take it literally if you post it as lyrics here.

3. I mean it's lacking in power, I'm talking about the lyrics here, it could be different in the song but the opening verses have a ferocious and primal attitude. You said it yourself, it has a dark atmosphere. I'm not getting that all from that second last verse. But once again it could be different but to me, lyrically it's lacking. It's too simple. Too straight-forward compared to the other verses intensity.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Nov 8, 2009,
#14
I second Hendrix fan, you've submitted it as a written work not as a packaged-death-metal-song. A great piece should be read with no pre conceptions, it should be able to walk by itself without having to rely on before hand knowledge of a pretty slight genre. Therefore saying this doesn't flow well is a valid point as you've submitted it in this theatre - Do you think Edgar Allen Poe wrote his work saying "this is gothic guys, all you Victorian/American renaissance writers...all you guys about to start Modernism just bare that in mind", of course he didn't he submitted his poetry and stories and they were good enough to stand shoulder to shoulder with other conflicting genres.

For the most part, considering the amount of terrible "Death metal" songs that people pen on here - this is actually quite refreshing. It stays away from the immature descriptions of someone wanting to tear off someone else's face, or the standard adjectives "death/vacant/despair" and the ones it does use are used relatively tastefully. It also has some subtle rhymes and allusions; I mean it's not T.S Eliot but they are there. You actually follow some kind of narrative as well which is a positive. For example I see it all the times, these feigned attempts at dark songs that contradict themselves...to borrow an example from - they'd be both on a throne on top of a mountain of skulls and also in subterranean tunnels. Overall, it wasn't bad; I didn't struggle with it or anything like that - I didn't see much of Poe in it however.
#15
No it was mainly Lovecraft that influenced this this song. You are correct in saying there isn't much Poe in this. And if I had written it with the intent of it being a poem solely, with no music I would agree completely with what both of you are saying, however it's a song and nobody that listens to it is going to try to analyze it and say oh what wonderful allusions you have in here.. And the contradiction of subterranean chambers and mount of skulls was on purpose. He is waiting in subterranean chambers until that time when he may arise and only then will darkness be triumphant. But thanks for your critique.
#16
Not that I am trying to discount anything that you both are saying! Because I really do appreciate the critique! And if you have any suggestions as to what I could do with the 2nd to last verse then I would appreciate it.
#17
Why would you write a song if no one is gonna listen to the words? it'd just be noise then.
#18
Im not saying nobody will listen to the words but in this genre of metal the vocals are screaming and are usually difficult for most people to understand.