#1
different from how I usually write; just something I worked up before school was out.


I've always said
If I had the time
To do the things
I never had time to do
You could wager I'd spend
Quite a bit on you
In an attempt to see
If something was there

Instead
I use my time
Thinking of ways to waste it better
Every day
I'm given a chance
To make myself but i would rather
Throw it away instead

I like to say
I live like it's 2012
Every day
Balls to the walls
Like always
I like to lie to you

I use my time
Thinking of ways to waste it better
Every day
I'm given a chance
To make myself but i would rather
Throw it away
Instead


Please lemme know what you think and what needs improvement and i'll try my best to return the favor.
#2
Quote by Wulf5577
different from how I usually write; just something I worked up before school was out.


I've always said
If I had the time
To do the things
I never had time to do
You could wager I'd spend
Quite a bit on you
In an attempt to see
If something was there

I know you used "to do the things" to continue the flow of the verse but it doesn't sound that good. Instead of 'the things' I would use another word before it. For example 'trivial things' and then i would have "I'd never have time to do" instead of "I never have time to do." The rhyming is very simple, i'm not if it's working with you or against you here.

Instead
I use my time
Thinking of ways to waste it better
Every day
I'm given a chance
To make myself but i would rather
Throw it away instead

The first phrase works very well here, the second one sort of falls over itself. 'i would rather' is pretty awkward here. I'd consider changing this maybe.

I like to say
I live like it's 2012
Every day
Balls to the walls
Like always
I like to lie to you

pretty good but damn "Balls to the walls" is really abrupt and unnecessary I think.

I use my time
Thinking of ways to waste it better
Every day
I'm given a chance
To make myself but i would rather
Throw it away
Instead

Yeah same thing here in terms of the second verse.

Please lemme know what you think and what needs improvement and i'll try my best to return the favor.


I think this has a lot of potential. It's catchy and there's some great lines in it.

I can see this being a good song. I hope i've helped somewhat.

If you could crit my latest piece "At the races" that would be great
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1227200
#3
Tyvm for the crit.
I'm definately going to try reword the first section abit; I've been trying to find a better way to write the second part but have yet to come up with anything better.
As for "Balls to the wall" lol I don't think i could part with that line.