#1
The working title of this song is Fathom with me this Faint Memory, but I think there could be better titles for it (suggestions welcome!)

I will Crit4Crit, if you offer good, honest feedback that helps... we're all here for self-improvement as writers, yes?

Fathom with me, this faint memory
Lingering like incense amongst us
It gathers at night, speaks to me
Of the man I've come to be

I've cobbled my enigma together
And I'll bear this stigma forever
Eyes hidden beneath the brim of a hat
And a soul given to relentless bravery

Even though you can't feel it
Doesn't mean it's not real
And even if you don't see it
You can still feel it

If I melt for you, I'll lose my shape
We divert our eyes, share secret smiles
This lion will share his roar
Lost to the desires of borderless passion

You made me care about going somewhere
A faint trace of a long-lost heart
Lingers like aromas in my bedroom
So fathom with me, my faint memory


Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!

One Love
M.
Last edited by MLennox at Nov 8, 2009,
#2
Quote by MLennox
Fathom with me, this faint memory
Lingering like incense amongst us
It gathers at night, speaks to me
Of the man I've come to be

Understandable opening, not much to comment.

Quote by MLennox
I've cobbled my enigma together
And I'll bear this stigma forever
Eyes hidden beneath the brim of a hat
And a soul given to relentless bravery

I don't like the word cobbled, it makes me think of making shoes, which doesn't really seem to build with enigma. Maybe there is just another meaning of cobbled that I'm unaware of? I know cobble is also a small rock, but I'm not aware if the process of "paving" a cobblestone road is referred to as cobbling. I understand what you're trying to say, but I just don't understand the specific use of the word cobble. Also, the thing about bravery isn't apparent right now, hiding the stigma under a mask/hat doesn't seem very brave. (Maybe I'm not understanding, perhaps the "given in" means bravery has given up and reverting to secrecy?)

Quote by MLennox
Even though you can't feel it
Doesn't mean it's not real
And even if you don't see it
You can still feel it

Pretty straight forward

Quote by MLennox
If I melt for you, I'll lose my shape
We divert our eyes, share secret smiles
This lion will share his roar
Lost to the desires of borderless passion

again, pretty straight forward, though are you meaning to clash with lines 2 and 3? The lion's roar is for sure nothing secret. The 4th line being after the 3rd makes 3 seem random and out of place, the transition word "lost" doesn't seem to make a coherency with the line previous or with that line starting a new thought. "this lion will share his roar, lost to the desires of borderless passion," if I'm understanding correctly. If I is the lion, maybe I'm just losing thought of it being secret now, but wanting to be brave (see the second stanza comment, I suppose).

Quote by MLennox
You made me care about going somewhere
A faint trace of a long-lost heart
Lingers like aromas in my bedroom
So fathom with me, my faint memory

I like the first/last line thing. I don't like the tense of line 1 in this stanza. It is past tense while basically the rest of the piece is present and hypothetical future.


I like it, I don't know if I'd really change anything besides the word cobbled, it honestly doesn't really fit.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....