#1
your body's full of blood. c4c. ots. etc.

the ocean's full of saltwater

her tears hang in the balance
collecting in little pools of peril,
turning to pearls which she carelessly casts
into the ocean, because fuck you, that's why.

swollen in the humid air, combing through
the tangled hair and layers of words
that ultimately don't amount to anything,
because you weren't around to hear;
shift the salts of the vacant veneer
until self fills the creases and cracks,
until my skin erupts and it's time to split.

leave the vessel for the worms to eat,
on a pillow, lying trimmed and neat.

sing now. sing now. sing now.
plumb the sea, the many feet,
the empty leagues. the vapid pressure
weighing down on me, my sweet,
my love, my belle, my dear,
darling girl with craters sincere,
built nimbly in the patchwork,
built swiftly but to last her.

i find your pearls birthed from the wrong sex
on the wrong night with the wrong man
at the wrong time. i find your gems from
deaths, the ones with which you'd bleed
so many nights ago, and a little pearl from
when you scraped your knee running to or
from that old oak tree with the initials that
weren't yours or anyone's we know,
and finally, the simple tear shed
when we'd laid together in your bed,
because everything was okay.
i am a rich man, you are a poor girl.
#4
i'm sorry i don't want to be mean, but this is just terrible, well everything i have seen in songwriting and lyrics forum has been bad so far, i'm just being brutally honest

into the ocean, because **** you, that's why. - this line made me laugh

i guess for constructive crit. i would say that this is your best line:

collecting in little pools of peril,
#7
"into the ocean, because **** you, that's why."

This made me laugh for quite a while. Easily the best line.

Rest of it was good but a little too dense. Too much description for the content you had. Maybe go a little easier on the adjectives and try to say more.
#8
i can h ear this wiv like a hard nyu metal sound man relly good +1
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
**** you two dumbasses.


and finally, the simple tear shed
when we'd laid together in your bed,
because everything was okay.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#12
lol duh the ocean iz full o' saltwater, yu dumb! wut u think it is, cool-aid? lolol u dumb and bad.




It's lovely, as always. In places it had a great rhythm to it.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#13
i should've named this pearls before swine. a pun missed is like a day not worth living. also, i'm gonna rewrite this with more rhymes, right? it needs more rhymes, that's what good poetry is all about baby. that and necromancy (i'm so with you dylan). also, if my descriptions ever get so pointlessly pretentious and wordy that i make amanda ros roll over in her grave then my life will be complete. that entire second paragraph is about a dead guy. i should've called this love letter to my dead body. too emo? probably. nah it'd be good poetry. ask mr. eliot and mr. frost who posted up there, they know a thing or two about horrible poetry and aren't afraid to share. anyway this poem makes me sad but this thread makes me happy. it's perfect. fucking perfect. love you guys.
#14
this thread defines why i love this place.

i am a sucker for ocean imagery, this was nice.
this one is for you.