#1
Please tell me what you think. This was written to the music of 'Brother's Blood' by Kevin Devine, so if at any time you feel the flow is off, i ask you to sing this to the melody and music of that song. It's only polite to offer a critique in return, so post a link and I'll follow it.


well there's a wall I've built inside of me
to separate me from my dreams
But i know it will come down,
i know i will fall down

cause walls are meant to be toppled
and hearts are meant to be broken
and minds are meant to be shattered
and bodies meant to bleed

well i look through muddy glasses
and in your veins i only see
the tragic flow of muddy waters
and a heart that does not beat

because your soul is softly crying
that your heart is dead and cold
and in your mind you see no reason
for your body to grow old

and in the changing of the seasons
you feel only winter's cold
and your heart it lusts for power
and your mind it lusts for gold

well i look at you through muddy glasses
and in your veins i only see
the tragic flow of muddy waters
and a heart that does not beat

well i look through muddy glasses
and i see dreams are for the weak
because dreams never come to fruition
because you only dream when your asleep

And if it's not power, land, or money
what else is there to seek?
How about a life that's worth living
or a life that means something?

Well could you spare yourself the self pity
and throw away their sympathies
and could you force yourself to wake up
and make those dreams into reality

Cause i look through muddy glasses
and in your veins i only see
the tragic flow of muddy waters
and a heart that does not beat

and when i look through muddy glasses
in your veins i only see
the tragic flow of muddy waters
and a heart that does not beat
#2
This kind of surprised me, seeing as you joined recently I assume you don't have much writing experience. As lyrics this works well enough. Keep writing, maybe try writing something to the tune of one of your own songs.


If you'd like, you could comment on "bellyflop" in my sig, even though I didn't give much of a crit at all.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
I like how symbolic it is, but I have a hard time imagining it in my head. I like how you're able to make a good song without rhyming (a skill I'd really like to master).

If I may say one thing, it seems a bit lengthy. The lines themselves seem a bit long, and there are quite a bit of stanzas.
#4
I always have that problem. It's either too short or too long. It is written to a 7 minute song though. Still, It's rather lengthy. The idea for the song was human potential vs. human reality. In reality, most of us won't live up to our potential, our potential being anything we want it to be. I firmly believe we are all capable of obtaining what we dream of, but because of how we interact with the world and ourselves, most of us will never have those dreams come to fruition.

@Ganoosh

I joined recently under the advisement of my brother, how posted here years ago, and has since stopped. He says it's a good place to get honest reviews for iffy material. I have, however, been writing for years. I still can hardly look at most of what I write, unfortunately. Also, I don't play any instruments, except the bass, and poorly at that.

I'm glad that you liked it. Of course I'll take a look
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Nov 8, 2009,