#1
I remember that faded deck out back
that hugged our little white and blue house
for miles, wrapped around and stretched to god knows where.
we would sit, our legs dangling off,
foreheads gently kissed by the sun
and I would say
"I'm going to do a bellyflop!"
and throw myself off the deck,
belly first into an abyss of spongy grass, and
I would spring up and wade back up the steps.
You would smile and laugh brighter than the sun,
and I would do it again.
and again.
and again.
then I grew too big for the grass to save me when I fell
too big for your laughter to make me want to do it all over again.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Nov 8, 2009,
#2
Quote by Ganoosh
I remember that faded deck out back
that hugged our little white and blue house
for miles, wrapped around and stretched to god knows where.
we would sit, our legs dangling off,
foreheads gently kissed by the sun
and I would say
"I'm going to do a bellyflop!"
and throw myself off the deck,
belly first into an abyss of spongy grass, and
I would spring up and wade back up the steps.
You would smile and laugh brighter than the sun,
and I would do it again.
and again.
and again.
then I grew too big for the grass to save me when I fell
too big for your laughter to make me want to do it all over again.


This was what I would say nice. Nice as in not an awful piece of writing, but nice as in a) I won't remember it after this critique and b) it reads like a piece that, if you keep writing, you'll look back in a year or two (maybe even a couple of months depending on how much you write) and laugh at.

It's a progress piece, and as such I don't really have much to say other than there's some nice ideas, the imagery is nice, the feeling is nice.

What did stick out were some cool subtle rhymes early on, especially deck/stretched. It may not even have been on purpose but it shows you have an ear.

So, yeah. I've read a few more of you and can equate roughly to the quality you're qriting at, and if you keep it up then there's potential to impress.

Have a good day
#3
^agreed.

Also, "Say" is a rather bland term used here, and, most likely, what you "say" wouldn't be followed up by an exclamation point.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#4
It's hard for me to give an honest critique of art, because art is an expression of the self...Buuuuuut...

I liked it. It wasn't the best writing, but the nature of the piece was grand. I agree with the bit about using 'say' rather than a more potent word, but overall I feel it pales in comparison to the meaning I got from this. It reminds me of how big everything felt when I was younger, how things were always too much or too little. It reminds me off how big I would feel on my birthdays, and how I used to feel during Christmas time. It was like visiting heaven, for those two weeks of Christmas break. New toys, cookies, the whole family in (generally) good spirits, cold weather (something not very common in Texas.). The excitement of laying awake with one eye open trying to catch Santa. Always falling asleep before I could.

At the end of the piece, it very bluntly brings me back to the present, where these once momentous occasions now seem like any other day.

Not the best of writing, but I always look more into the passion of the piece rather than the words of it. Plus I've got a weak spot for nostalgic writing.

Good job. Keep it up, you'll get better. Never let words interrupt the emotions you're spilling onto paper.
#5
I did like it. Very Southern in a good way. Reminds me of an author who also taught at the University of Georgia and published a couple books. Forgot his name. Very whistful.Particularly like the last two lines,not so much for how they are written,but for what they evoke.
#6
hello nooshy.

"I remember that faded deck out back that hugged our little white and blue house for miles, wrapped around and stretched to god knows where."

faded deck out back reads akward to me. i think its because of 'out back'. may brain wants to associate the word back with time because of the context. "I remember when I was a child. back then, life was easier." its just common for it to suggest time when it is used in this context, but instead it describes space here. maybe its just me. also the last part of the sentence doesn't show much continuity with the rest of the sentence, probably because of the comma. maybe try a different punctuation or throwing in that description somewhere else. idk, probably just me too.


we would sit, our legs dangling off, foreheads gently kissed by the sun and I would say
"I'm going to do a bellyflop!" and throw myself off the deck, belly first into an abyss of spongy grass, and I would spring up and wade back up the steps.

the last sentence reads akwardly, imo. "spring up and wade back up." something about the up. im not really good at explaining how i feel about something, which is why i don't give much crits. i'm probably just making a big deal over nothing, haha. but i think you should reword it. this whole section is a sentence too. i would try breaking it down a bit.

we would sit: our legs dangling off and foreheads gently kissed by the sun. I would say "I'm going to do a bellyflop!" and throw myself off the deck. belly first into an abyss of spongy grass, and I would spring up and wade back up the steps.

also, i agree with the say and exclamation point.

You would smile and laugh brighter than the sun,
and I would do it again.
and again.
and again.
then I grew too big for the grass to save me when I fell
too big for your laughter to make me want to do it all over again.

you used the sun in your descriptions twice in this piece. not bad if it is done tastefuly and fits the overal theme. though i think its something you should have in mind, especially in such a short piece where everything is important. nice ending. maybe a bit too sudden, but its okay.

i think this was decent. i agree with most of what jammy said.