#1
This is the first song ive ever written. Was going to try a song that didnt rhyme but ended up with this instead. Please give me your input.
I'm into Melodic Death Metal (as a side note)
Also...can you guess what this is about

** brackets indicate something i may place as an alternate to what is there or something i may add in.


--*Heroes Mutagenic*--


I would never have wished,
to outlive you, my sons
You were heroes to all,
And known by none[no one].


Scarlett, always in my mind,
Brave yes,
but Anger made you blind

In my eyes,
Bittersweet
[you were]The youngest at heart.
Light hearted as you were,
Life, still ripped apart.

Royal, I loved you,
The eldest of my sons
You had the strength to lead your brothers
[and] your confidence was our bond.

Amaranth
So full a mind,
my child of wisdom.
All the knowledge left behind
In our Underground kingdom [In our under earth kindgom]


No one in this world,
should have taken you from me
There is no other way to go but,
with honor and dignity


[My dreams are still blessed with the white glow]--possibly spoken...
Schecter Hellraiser 5 string
Ibanez SR-700
Genz Benz Shuttle 6.0-210T 600 Watt Lightweight Bass 2x10 Combo
#2
I liked this and I think it's exceptionally good for it being your first song. You have a lot of potential to add on to your apparent skills already. There were many places where this flowed wonderfully (the 3rd verse, for instance, sticks out). Moreover, there were several lines which struck a chord with me; as I said before, I thought the 3rd verse was the best.

As for some suggestions: watch out for forced rhymes. There weren't many but one that I found was in the fourth verse when you rhymed "sons" and "bond" together. Normally I don't think this would be that big an issue but since the other verses flow and rhyme very naturally, it sort of sticks out like a sore thumb.

I'll preface my next suggestion by saying that I'm not sure if this song is an allusion to something else. If it is, then ignore what I'm about to say. If not, then I'd consider developing the narrator a little more. The other characters, the sons, I think have good characterization (especially for a beginner). However, I'm still at a loss for who the narrator is or what his story is. Just a few clues in this respect I think would add a lot to the song and make it more accessible. But like I said, if you are alluding to something and you think others will understand it, then by all means keep it as is.

Overall I liked it and I think you have a lot of promise as a writer. You can take or leave my suggestions but, if nothing else, keep writing and posting because there are much better writers than me who can help you out here tremendously. Best of luck
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
thank you.

your advice is actually very helpful
Schecter Hellraiser 5 string
Ibanez SR-700
Genz Benz Shuttle 6.0-210T 600 Watt Lightweight Bass 2x10 Combo