#1
Staring at a screen of black and orange;
I switch to a page of white and blue.
(The image from the previous is burnt in my retinas.)
The image changes with great contrast:
magenta and cyan.

Staring at the screen, I am hunting bears;
the orange bars reach their red peaks.
(We are all hunting bears while we stare.)
We are all hunting for a prey that is not there:
gone due to extinction.

Many blue spikes with white caps;
the ocean mist over the firestorm.
The image from before burns my eyes.
We all hunt bears while we stare.

starting to stare
zone out
non sequitur humor
literary technique

starting to tear
zoom out
non sequitur logic
nothing makes sense to me...

Many thoughts are in my conscious;
traveling fast, rapid transit.
The image from before burns my eyes.
We all hurt others while we stare.

We are all hunting bears.
I am reduced to tears.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#2
Staring at a screen of black and orange;
I switch to a page of white and blue.
(The image from the previous is burnt in my retinas.)
The image changes with great contrast:
magenta and cyan.

The fourth line here is the strongest line in this opening paragraph. "Great contrast" really sends the message across. However, this doesn't seem like the best way to open a stanza. I just find it hard to decipher what you are trying to say, by way of meaning. I would use a bit more definition, and imagery that doesn't just rely on stating colors.

Staring at the screen, I am hunting bears;
the orange bars reach their red peaks.
(We are all hunting bears while we stare.)
We are all hunting for a prey that is not there:
gone due to extinction.

Once again, I find your fourth and fifth lines good, but I can't quite grasp the meaning of these lines. What are these orange bars, red peaks? What is their purpose? There is a bit of confusion here.

Many blue spikes with white caps;
the ocean mist over the firestorm.
The image from before burns my eyes.
We all hunt bears while we stare.

This is your strongest stanza yet. It has powerful, vivid imagery, and while I still can't grasp the message of this, you've started to communicate something.

starting to stare
zone out
non sequitur humor
literary technique

starting to tear
zoom out
non sequitur logic
nothing makes sense to me...

I assume these two stanzas are your chorus? I enjoy how they have a similar format and the words are similar but different nonetheless. Needs a bit of work on clarity, but otherwise not bad, not bad at all.

Many thoughts are in my conscious;
traveling fast, rapid transit.
The image from before burns my eyes.
We all hurt others while we stare.

See, in my opinion, this would be a better opening line. There seems to be a definite message in this stanza, of confusion brought on by images and the bewildering things we see in everyday life. I'd strongly suggest putting this as your opening line and seeing how it goes?

We are all hunting bears.
I am reduced to tears.

What do you mean when you say we're "hunting bears"? It is a recurring line yet it doesn't seem to clarify itself throughout the song. Try to present a stronger idea of the place of this line in its poem.

Overall, I think you have an idea in your mind, but it doesn't quite make the translation to the reader, because you have a lot of vague comparisons, metaphors and what have you. The great thing is that this song is not at all cliched, and on that note, I think you could take it somewhere because of its awkwardly creative format. Just fortify your message, try to rearrange stanzas and play around with your wordplay, maybe season it with a bit of alliteration and spice it up with some rhyming.

I hope this all helps, and I hope you continue writing. Could you critique my lyrics in order to reinforce Crit4crit, good sir?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1227643

Best of luck!

M.
#3
Pretty cool. I enjoy the lyrics, but it's hard to imagine without a particular beat in mind. Granted, it's usually hard for me to think about the beat of a song without a rhyming scheme and a named beat in mind. So that's not really your fault.

I like it though. I'm just slightly confused about the theme you were going for.