#1
Please let me know what you think. It was originally going to be a rap, but I lost the flow, and found it again in the form of a poem. I hope you like it. If you hate it, I hope you'll let me know why. Post a link to your own materials if you want, I like reading other people's work, and more over I like helping other people. So it works out for me if you do.


There's no name
for the sort of pain
that comes from a needle
and lives in your veins

and in your heart
it rots out your love
you've never felt like this
you'll never feel again

and it's okay
Yeah. It's okay.
Hit again, dose again
die and be born again

with each new needle
and each new track
the past fades away
and the future seems just that

but the present
it's on fire
and you're on fire
and you're asleep

and it's okay
Yeah. It's okay.
hit again, dose again
die and be born again

again and again and again
and that hole in your arm
will match the hole in your soul
and one day it'll rip in two

and one day you'll rip in two
and you won't ever be put right again
and that reconciliation with your father
It'll never come home just like he never did.
Last edited by SunsetAlphabet at Nov 8, 2009,
#2
You know, I really connect with the style of the piece first off because I'm not only rediscovering rap right now musically, but I used to write a lot of poems that had a rap feel to them. In fact, I just did the other day.
But on to your piece.
I think there are things that can be improved about this, but I'm gonna just say that I liked how it flowed, what you were getting across as the piece progressed, and my favorite part was the last 2 lines. As I read on, I was reading aloud, and gained an intensity, and it was really cool when I finished the thing.
I like it a lot.

Let me know if you're interested in reading mine and I'll post it (because I'm timid and haven't done it yet, hehe)
#3
Thank you. Yeah, there are things to be fixed. Usually I just jot down a rough draft of things in a few minutes and they never get the polishing they deserve. I'm glad you liked it.

Please do, I'd love to read what you have to offer.
#4
Alright, here's the thread I just made.
I mean, I could try to give constructive criticism to your piece, but it felt pretty cool the way I read it to myself that I just thought that telling you it had an emotional impact on me might be a little bit more useful. I'm not the greatest poetry analyst ever.
#5
The flow did seem to subtly change in this, at least it did for me. The thing that really caught me off guard was that you said it was rap so I was expecting something rap-like, but this doesn't seem to have any rhyme scheme. I mean at times it does, but it's always contained within one stanza. I guess that's just a product of you turning it into a poem?

but the present
it's on fire
and you're on fire
and you're asleep

Reading this, it felt disconnected. too many "and"s with too little full stops or even commas. If you take out the breaks it reads "but the present it's on fire and you're on fire and you're asleep." Now, that's barely even english. You only use a period twice, and it's all in one line. There are no commas, semi-colons, nothing.

The one thing you need to learn: Punctuation, even in lyrics, can give a piece a whole new feel. Just because it's all broken up doesn't mean it doesn't need periods and commas. A well placed comma can multiply the feel of something infinitely. Without it, this just reads flat and boring, runny and messy. It just goes on and on andonandon. I hope you see what I'm saying.



I don't have anything for you to get at right now, but I'll probably post something in the next few days.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Nov 9, 2009,
#6
This had a lot of potential and was a good read, interesting, flowed well. You just need to watch anything to break the monotony. You can try punctuations, or change up the line breas, or rhyme scheme. Poetry is wonderful because you're free to make lines as long and/or short as you want. This was a good read though. If you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=22210164
#7
Thanks for the constructive criticism

I'm not sure if the whole runny/messy thing is too bad for this particular one (Though I make that mistake often), as I was kind of trying to convey that. It's about a junkie. These are his thoughts when he reflects on his life. He isn't coherent, he's messy and not all there. He places blame on his father for his own predicament. Thoughts are meant to be conveyed in a mixture of rushed and slowed. Like everything is happening all at once but slowly enough for him to examine every detail of what is wrong with him. I guess I could still convey that with cleaner punctuation, though C:
#8
Funnily enough, it doesn't actually have a runny messy feel. Because of how similar each stanza is structure, the length of the lines and the amount of syllables, it actual feels very controlled, thought out, boxed in. Which is what i was more complaining about. The context and what is said isn't always lock, stock and barrel as far as coherance goes, but the structure is sllightly rigid, if you catch my drift
#9
****ing great. I loved it. All you could do to make it better is let it sit for a while and then come back. Really wonderful.
PS>pieces in my sig if your looking to read
#10
Quote by kdownes
Funnily enough, it doesn't actually have a runny messy feel. Because of how similar each stanza is structure, the length of the lines and the amount of syllables, it actual feels very controlled, thought out, boxed in. Which is what i was more complaining about. The context and what is said isn't always lock, stock and barrel as far as coherance goes, but the structure is sllightly rigid, if you catch my drift


Reading it again with this in mind, I totally get where you're coming from. The words themselves are messy, but the way it's written isn't. I might have to go and mess it up a bit