#1
I watched from afar
I just find it bizarre
That I cannot speak
Why am I so weak?

[chorus]
You were the angel in my nightmare
Yet, it all went no where

As I watch the wind blow your hair
I just want you with me here
I've never felt this way
Please, can you make it stay?

[chorus]
You were the angel in my nightmare
Yet, it all went no where

Of course it could not be true
As my last spark of dies
I pray some one will see my pain inside
...My pain inside


First thing I've seriously started to write, and liked still several days later. Probably going to try and write another verse at the start, a pre-chorus and at least two more lines in the chorus.

As it is my first, please go easy on me. Constructive criticism only please. C4C.

I think I posted this in the right place, if I didn't please move it.
(I did read the rules, I'm just too stupid to understand them)
#2
I really like your work. It is definatly good stuff, potential all over the place. One thing that's good to stay away from IMO is an AABB rhyme scheme (ABAB and AABB make songs sound goofy to me and I don't know why). There are probably a metric asston of songs that have suceeded with AABB and ABAB rhyme schemes =/
It really depends on how it's sung and all, but the very first verse or the intro or whatever it is, I'd change it up a bit.

Good luck!
Quote by SamuelBirkett
wtf r u say make no sensical



SAVE THE MUDKIPS
#3
Thanks mate . Do you have any suggestions as to what I could do to change that first verse.