#1
this piece is like breathing out


Empty looking plots are filled with frozen crops
but the trees are blooming burning flowers
and there’s a silver-golden gloss across the tarmac
that illuminates our tires.
The water of the river is still but its colours are swirling
red, orange and green as the people are sleeping.
It looks tense, as though it’s waiting for morning;
for oars to scratch its rainbow surface
as boats take people to bakers’ and tower block offices
and lights switch on, televisions begin to hum
and the angry voices of politicians scream through the air
showing somebody’s turned their radio on
to Eastern European news and folk songs.
But now the sun is almost gone.

We turn the corner, park the motor
and walk towards the warmth of flickering gas fires.
When we get inside the conversation turns to literature;
her books are old and filled with browned bliss
and cover most of the walls
so that the white looks out of place
behind the battered spines and classic titles,
but it’s still there in contrast with the rest.
The tide then turns inevitably to travel,
space and time and political drivel
and how when you stand alone miles away from home
you’re closer to yourself than you can possibly be anywhere else,
no matter what surrounds you,
because you're lost and can’t be found unless that’s what you think is best for you to do.
We move on to reciting figures to incite madness,
citing the masters and blessing the bastards for hours
until glasses are emptied and ashtrays are filled
and the smoke separates and there standing still
on the wall is an absence of light in the shape of a face,
silent and staring into the empty space
and there’s only us to meet its glaring eyes
before the light settles again and it’s just her and I
and the table and the room and the smoke and the beer,
and the light and the talk and the abstract years
and I promise there won’t be a tear in my eyes until I too disappear.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 10, 2009,
#2
Fantastic. I wouldn't alter a thing. However, if "this piece is like breathing out" is part of the piece, I'd get rid of it. It has the reader begin the poem with a presupposition as to how the poem is going to feel, and applies a filter that may taint a reader's own experience. Other than that, though, it is outstanding.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1228158
#3
Nah, that's not part of the piece, just a little pre-comment (hence why it's smaller). Sorry if it was confusing, I do it a lot, it's silly really.

And sorry if I offended you in my comments on your piece. There are nice ideas and lines in there, I was just going for the overall.

Thank you Just added another two lines to smooth the progression a bit.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Nov 10, 2009,
#5
This is really great, the first stanza was my favorite, really great descriptions and great use of vocabulary.

However the second stanza drags it down a bit. I think the length was just too much for me and there are changes in pace that I think were too much to just take it in as a whole thing. Though this might just be me, that's the only thing that i'd change I think.

If you could crit wine cellar that'd be great
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1228629
#6
I understand that, yeah. I'm going to force myself into a rehaul, probably tomorrow. Thanks.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
This is the most mature, comfortable and powerful your writing has sounded for a long time. It really did seem like breathing out, everything flowed after the other in a beautiful ordained order, the descriptions were grogeous, but at the same time intriguing and gripping, almost creating a story in itself, then the actual interactions between the characters were strong and vivid. THis is really something special.
#8
was not expecting something like this. I think this is my favorite from you just because of the feelings caused when reading it. Such beautifl ideas and lines. Really. I love it.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me