#1
Series. First one here: Title at the bottom.


From lips
that fail to part for words,
that are the sphinx that jails my thoughts;
from caves
of mind and soul,
out falls
a silence.

Softly I call –
Be my echo, be my voice,
be the choice between the setting
and the rising sun,
be my night, my dawn, my gun
with shots that ring, that kill
with passion not for those
who drown in noise and die in silence.
Be the balance of my halves;
the bright and dark that crack and separate
the man I am from being bait,
a fallacy of fate breaking
on the tip of a needle, aching
under the weight
of a mute man’s attempt
to iterate
that he
loves

you.



This is not a pipe
#2
I don't know if it's gimmicky, cute, or well-written. I can't decide because the structure makes the piece move too quickly to let the writing sink in and all you're left with is the last word, but it isn't a surprise because the title directs you there first anyway.

It's like you've killed all dramatic punch, by telling me the pay off is the end, then you show me the end, and then the rest of the piece then the end again. After having already experienced it once, the second time is diminishing.

The ideas were okay, a bit clustered up, again I think it was because of the brevity of the piece as opposed to the strong ideas, they are ones that could be expanded on and as they are they seem to be just a rough sketch or vague glimpses into a piece that could be memorial and devoted and emotional, yet it's just detached and cold because of the verbosity at points and again, the quick almost unrelenting structure.

Overall, I didn't enjoy it, but it was more personal than technical. Everyone will probably like it though. I don't know.
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#4
The poem is indeed well written, so I'm not going to dwell in that aspect here. The poem now, to me, has a different meaning to me than it did when I read the draft; here the poem feels more formal and your ideas seemed more focus and early defined. It's probable that it was the beginning stanza that perhaps played a role in that. I agree with Matt to the extent that this could be extended, but that isn't entirely necessary because essentially this is just a part of the series. But there are indeed things that I believe you didn't get to say, perhaps you did this intentionally, plot wise. But I do not feel that this is gimmicky, per se; it is 'theme-driven' and it worked very well with your previous piece and as a whole, it worked well here, also. But after reading the draft of this piece, this 'mastered' piece felt a bit too preservative (structural-wise and content-wise) compared to it; a little more rigorous. But I understand that you are writing in character and in a different point of view, perhaps, to your own.


Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 11, 2009,
#5
i really liked it; it had a rawness but it was poetic, although I found the ending to not flow so well because you go from a very intricate style to the few last words that are plain. I'm not saying I dislike it, it was just something I'd consider revising here.
#6
It's very well written and contains some great lines like 'the spinx that jails my thoughts' that was just beautiful. There are some great moments but right at the end I felt it sort of fall over it's self to be finished. While it's a great idea of diminishing the words I felt that it wasn't executed well.

I don't think that the second one has the same charm and elegance of the previous one. I think that meaning at the bottom does not work well for this one.

It was still very nice though.

wine cellar needs a crit
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#7
Personally, I hated how the word "gun" fell into place.
the setting/rising sun followed by more thoughts about the time of day feels a bit awkward to me. It's almost like a very unnecessary repetition. This repetition is then accompanied with repetitions of "my" which I didn't care for. Lastly, the sun/gun rhyme, didn't read like you. Usually, you're incredibly subtle, maybe even sneaky, with rhyming. Usually, You rhyme so beautifully that it helps the flow and I don't even notice the rhyme until the second or third read. This, was not the case. This one, this one particularly, feels awkward.

I find Softly I call an incredible, and ironic way to continue this.

I also find this line to be interesting due to the theme of silence.
who drown in noise and die in silence.
I'm not sure if it's suppose to be more significant than it is, but it intrigues me regardless of your intentions.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
Quote by Something_Vague
I don't know if it's gimmicky, cute, or well-written. I can't decide because the structure makes the piece move too quickly to let the writing sink in and all you're left with is the last word, but it isn't a surprise because the title directs you there first anyway.

It's like you've killed all dramatic punch, by telling me the pay off is the end, then you show me the end, and then the rest of the piece then the end again. After having already experienced it once, the second time is diminishing.

The ideas were okay, a bit clustered up, again I think it was because of the brevity of the piece as opposed to the strong ideas, they are ones that could be expanded on and as they are they seem to be just a rough sketch or vague glimpses into a piece that could be memorial and devoted and emotional, yet it's just detached and cold because of the verbosity at points and again, the quick almost unrelenting structure.

Overall, I didn't enjoy it, but it was more personal than technical. Everyone will probably like it though. I don't know.


I don't want to clog Carmel's thread, but I noticed people commenting similar to this on the first one too and I feel the need to point out something. If I say that everything makes sense at the end of a book, or that there's a massive twist do you instantly skip to the last page and read it? No. You read all the way up to there, enjoy the experience, and then the pay off. Your complaint is the ending felt less dramatic reading it twice, but if you'd read the piece top to bottom, just like any other, the punch is right there. You've ruined it for yourself, not the author. Sorry, Carmel, it just felt necessary. You know I loved both of these
#9
No, if the book was called:

"The point of the story is on the last page." There isn't a single sane person alive that wouldn't go to the last page first.

That's besides the point. I just disagree with you.
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