#1
This is one of my earlier pieces, but I thought it was worth posting. Not exactly my favorite, but decent enough. Let me know what you think.

The sea's sickly silence
reminds me of past violence
suffered onto to me so many years ago

You see,
It was the night before Christmas
She met me with a kiss then
we moved on to more troubling things

She had met him at the harbor
the same in which i slaved
They had their nightly passions
for nearly three years

and while i was gone to sea
he'd left her with his rotten seed
the boy that i call my son

It seems so much more than grief
I've had so much to drink
i took her to the harbor and
for miles you'd hear her weep

'God, please!'

Somewhere in the vast sea
swims the body of a woman i once loved
a boy that i called my son
and my soul further down still
#2
Watch how many you're posting in a week; the limit is two every 6 days.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
The sea's sickly silence
reminds me of past violence
suffered onto to me so many years ago

Strong opening. Perfect flow, nice imagery.


You see,
It was the night before Christmas
She met me with a kiss then
we moved on to more troubling things


No gripes here, except the use of Christmas... I'm not a fan of songs that restrict themselves with time frame. Of course, if it's integral to the song, ignore my musings


She had met him at the harbor
the same in which i slaved
They had their nightly passions
for nearly three years

This is a promising twist. I would like to see a bit more anger leading on from this point!

and while i was gone to sea
he'd left her with his rotten seed
the boy that i call my son

It seems so much more than grief
I've had so much to drink
i took her to the harbor and
for miles you'd hear her weep

'God, please!'

These stanzas are fantastic! It captures the hopelessness of finding out that your love has been unfaithful perfectly. I can definitely relate to these ones and I think many others will be able to, they will help to make your song more accessible

Somewhere in the vast sea
swims the body of a woman i once loved
a boy that i called my son
and my soul further down still

Wow. Great ending! That is a twist I was not expecting. I'm actually a bit shocked haha. That's the sign of a powerful emotional twist, kudos!

Overall, I think this song shows a vast amount of promise. The only thing I can suggest is a bit more anger to liven up the middle, although this may take away from the massive twist at the end... I'm not sure about the song title, it seems incredibly generic. Anyway, I liked it and I'm sure many others will. If you could critique my latest song, Champagne Stars, that would be brilliant. Link's in the sig