#1
c4c.

There is an old wine cellar
on my grandparent’s farm.

where aged victoria chose
a dusty den to accompany
gorgeous,
gorgeous,
forgotten plains.

growing, rising cacti
patrol the cellar door.
ancient sentinels,
-lost age.-

down, down cellar stairs
until you find a table,
a portrait of cracked wood
a painting of slashed knifes.
where time runs for nought
'mung a few gleaming bottles
and the dull solidity of the sun.

slumbering nights spent under peach trees,
lazy mosquito nights spent under the moon.

yet they sold that old cellar
along with the old farm,
a long, long time ago.
but like Yeats’ tower
it will forever remain,

timeless.
#2
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
c4c.

There is an old wine cellar
on my grandparent’s farm.

where aged victoria chose
a dusty den to accompany
gorgeous,
gorgeous,
forgotten plains.

growing, rising cacti
patrol the cellar door.
ancient sentinels,
-lost age.- I really enjoyed this part

down, down cellar stairs
until you find a table,
a portrait of cracked wood
a painting of slashed knifes.
where time runs for nought
'mung a few gleaming bottles
and the dull solidity of the sun.

slumbering nights spent under peach trees,
lazy mosquito nights spent under the moon. Good passage, but I can't connect this with the rest of the piece. It still works though

yet they sold that old cellar
along with the old farm,
a long, long time ago.
but like Yeats’ tower
it will forever remain,

timeless.
I love how you (seemingly) chose a simple theme, but made it seem a lot more significant. Great piece of writing

C4C in sig
#3
Quote by 1nSingularity
I love how you (seemingly) chose a simple theme, but made it seem a lot more significant. Great piece of writing

C4C in sig


thanks.

Yeah that passage connects through the general feeling of the farm and the wine cellar. In a whole the wine cellar is only a small part of the farm as other parts begin to engage with it.

i'll have a look at yours.
#4
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
c4c.

There is an old wine cellar
on my grandparent’s farm.

Easy. Simple. Effective, I can't help but feel that it's too naked on it own though, like it needs more significance, perhaps by joining it to the other stanza.

where aged victoria chose
a dusty den to accompany
gorgeous,
gorgeous,
forgotten plains.

I adore the repatition of gorgeous. This is seemingly frail, in a good sense, almost as if it should be whispered, in the faintest of tones.

growing, rising cacti
patrol the cellar door.
ancient sentinels,
-lost age.-

Here comes the paint brush! The imagery is becoming clear and wonderful, like a definitive water-colour painting. All these pale colours adding up in beautiful harmony to create such a wonderful picture.

down, down cellar stairs
until you find a table,
a portrait of cracked wood
a painting of slashed knifes.
where time runs for nought
'mung a few gleaming bottles
and the dull solidity of the sun.

It's quite abartory to say this, but I will any, as my personal take. But the word nought is one of my nails on blackboard words, obviously don't take this seriously, because it's only my problem, the imagery, once again, is wonderful.

slumbering nights spent under peach trees,
lazy mosquito nights spent under the moon.

Hm. I dunno about this stanza. It seems almost after-thought-ed to the stanza previous. Of course, if this is the idea then it does work.

yet they sold that old cellar
along with the old farm,
a long, long time ago.
but like Yeats’ tower
it will forever remain,

Hanging suspence...

timeless.

Bang, beautiful.



We meet again, Hendrix_fan_14, hopefully we can be on first name terms soon. Once again, I have enjoyed the simple beauty that is your writing. Please do continue onto your next venture! Can I raincheck that c4c? I want to get a few more crits on Cogitiatio before I post anything else. Get back to me on that willyer?

Thankyou.
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#5
Quote by Slap_Bassist
We meet again, Hendrix_fan_14, hopefully we can be on first name terms soon. Once again, I have enjoyed the simple beauty that is your writing. Please do continue onto your next venture! Can I raincheck that c4c? I want to get a few more crits on Cogitiatio before I post anything else. Get back to me on that willyer?

Thankyou.


Cheers man, means a lot.

I'm Matthew by the way, just starting to post around here.

Sure i'll get back to you on that crit.
#6
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
c4c.

There is an old wine cellar
on my grandparent’s farm.

where aged victoria chose
you've continued the sentence, so the stanza break is fine, but the full stop is silly.
'aged victoria' is a very odd way to describe someone, and I'm not quite sure it works. For starters, capitalise Victoria, because I spent a while thinking about whether the phrasing was some reference I didn't get. If you related this Victoria character to yourself then it would feel like a stronger statement, and would make the piece more heartfelt (eg. mention she's your grandmother or whatever in this line)

a dusty den to accompany
gorgeous,
gorgeous,
forgotten plains.
I think you could add just a touch to the delicacy of the imagery here. Just a few more carefully thought out adverbs

growing, rising cacti
again I thought this was a really odd way to refer to them, but not just because of its originality but also because it clashes somewhat with the line below it. I don't know why they'd be 'rising' rather than just growing because the rest of the stanza suggests that they're not doing that at all. Also, because both 'growing' and 'rising' are kind of movement words, they mean movement over a long period of time, it's really hard to picture 'growing, rising cacti' patroling a cellar door, because they wouldn't be doing either growing or rising in the short space of time that I'm picturing them. Saying 'young' or something gives connotations of growing while still being pictureable
patrol the cellar door.
ancient sentinels,
the tone of this line felt like you should have been able to derive the information in it from somewhere else in the stanza, but it's actually going off on a new track
-lost age.-
there's not any steady flow in this stanza and I think you noticed so tried to hide it by being all arty. I don't think there's any need for the dramaticism in the presentation of this line at all. I'd love to see the rest of it flow better (both the ideas and the writing).

down, down cellar stairs
until you find a table,
a portrait of cracked wood
a painting of slashed knifes.
where time runs for nought
'mung a few gleaming bottles
and the dull solidity of the sun.
this isn't half bad, but it came completely out of nowhere (in other words, it feels like you wrote them at different times because they're so different).

slumbering nights spent under peach trees,
lazy mosquito nights spent under the moon.
I think this is gorgeous, but it needs to be more intertwined with the rest of it.

yet they sold that old cellar
along with the old farm,
a long, long time ago.
but like Yeats’ tower
I don't like the italicisation
it will forever remain,

timeless.


I'd say tighten it, extend a few stanzas to amalgamate them better with the rest of it and make it flow better, play with images a bit more to brighten it and this could be really good. I enjoyed it
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
'victoria' it was talking about was the state of Victoria in Australia. I didn't want to place emphasis on the location itself.

The patrol was not literal in a sense that they were actually moving. That's why I had moving adjectives for the description of the cacti. Too cryptic I think it turned out to be.

I'm not sure about that 'lost age' line, I was trying to add something more to it and not just in the sense of symbols.

Do you mean the whole passage or the different lines? It's a change of pace in the poem, you actually see the cellar. It was written at the same time.

I should have connected that that 'nights' phrase to the overall sense of the work.

I think the italicization is a preference. That's just me, probably isn't..

Thanks for the crit this was very helpful. I'll follow your advise I think.

Glad you enjoyed it.
#8
I've actually read this piece a few times in order to try and settle on why it didn't work for me.

I think that it clearly showcases that you are quite a solid writer, and the technicality of the writing did not bother me at all, the stanzas, line breaks, wording... although the latter had some inconsistency. I found the language to be incoherent throughout, as if there were two levels of narrators, in terms of voice.

My unease was more to do with the building of content in this piece. The intake of multiple images was just too brief and concise to adequately have any impact on me. I'll give examples:
We start talking about the cellar in the first two stanzas, and though I'm sure that there was cacti there, your choice of mentioning it, detracted from me getting into the mood of being in a cellar. It was an oddity that distant me from the text, pulling me back out of the cellar. You were putting me in there and then pulling me out and shoving me back in, not letting me enjoy the place. Then, the next stanza put me back inside, and as I was getting used to the feel of the place, the smell, the sights, then you ended the stanza with the sun. So un-cellar-like. The next stanza, after the sunny departure from the last one, talks about starry nights.... You get the point. This was just a very confused piece when it came to the way you tried to convey your ideas. I think your message in the last stanza got lost as well, because the building towards it was so off balance.

Saying all of that, I think I will enjoy reading you. You've certainly proved to me you have the capability, and I'm intrigued by your point of view. I just hope to see something more crafted next time.
This is not a pipe
#9
I think I was too vague at the start to explain that this was looking at it from outside and it is not till halfway through the poem when you actually enter the cellar. 'down, down cellar stairs'

I tried with this too much I think, I wanted to show that the cellar is only a small part of the farm yet it is the 'center' or however else you would say it. That's why I used the sun reference. However it jumped around too much.

Thank you for giving such a lengthy reply, it is good to get such constructive ideas, since I haven't 'established' myself here like everyone else my work doesn't seem to receive that much advice in what I need to do.

Thank you.
#10
I think that if you don't introduce the cellar in the first line, it could work a lot better. Because we know there's a cellar, it's in the title. You can not mention it until the middle, by all means, describe the farm first, but just don't make it the subject in the first stanza, if you're not talking about it at all in the second stanza. Maybe don't even include it in the third stanza.

Thinking about it now, I would have probably loved it if the "down, down cellar stairs" was the first time you mentioned it.
This is not a pipe