#1
Hey, it's been a while since I've posted anything up here but I've been steadily working on my lyrics. This is one of the few pieces I've written that I think shows some kinda promise... The bridge and chorus definitely need work. It would be fantastic if you guys could help me to improve it C4C.

V1

The stars align above my head
They're making signs that I can't read
Telling such intimate secrets
That are wasted on a man like me

V2
The forest's damp, the trees are breathing
Alive with knowledge time forgot
Branches point to my destination
But logic's leading me astray

C
North, south, east, west
All lead the wrong way
I wish you would just tell me
What to do
Where to go
What to say

V3
You swing hard for such a small girl
I didn't know what not to say
Nature's cues can be misleading
My mind goes blank, my nerves are frayed

Bridge
The river tells me
to watch my step
Your eyes are gleaming
with interest
Attraction's forming
through electric air
Tension's forming
He who dares, wins.

C
North, south, east, west
All lead the wrong way
But I've finally discovered
What to do
Where to go
What to say
#2
I ended up getting home before I said I would, so here's my return crit:

Seems like a pretty solid piece; I don't know why you'd want to change the bridge, it sounds great as it is. For the chorus, I was thinking something like this:

North, south, east, and west
Nothing leads me in your way.
I wish you'd decide so I can rest;
Tell me what to do, what to say.

Or something of that nature; that's what sounds best to me, anyways. The verses are all pretty good in my opinion, so no changes there.
#3
i think the chorus is really strong. And to me the song seamed like it had to many meanings. Like you were saying something the first stanza then after the chorus the topic of the song changed.

Thats not necessarily a bad thing i was just letting you know.
trying to piece his 2 and 2 together
#4
"The forest's damp, the trees are breathing"

I enjoy that lyric. I can visualize that because life on earth needs trees for support.

I observe that you use navigation in science to lead you the way. Could be anything i suppose.
#5
Hey, thanks for the crit!

I'm really liking this piece, great flow and it really stands out to me somehow. I can't really find anything wrong with the piece, it really fits together.
Cheers!
GEAR:
Ibanez SR605
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#6
I enjoyed this, but more so as poetry than as lyrics. This is a stupid thing to say but it's almost too poetic to be lyrical. I'd have to hear you sing it to give it a fair assessment as a song.
But it's well-written, thanks for the crit.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#7
Hi cheers for your crit, it helped! I love the song dude! Have you written any music to it yet?
#9
The forest's damp, the trees are breathing
Alive with knowledge time forgot
Branches point to my destination
But logic's leading me astray

this part is cool, but i think it wouldve been better if it were:

logic points to me to my destination
but branches are leading me astray


You swing hard for such a small girl
I didn't know what not to say
Nature's cues can be misleading
My mind goes blank, my nerves are frayed

this is my favorite part in the whole piece, i dig the imagery and the sense of vulnerability

Also the bridge is quiet nice especially (he who dares, wins) nice one

but i just have one problem with the song, i think the chorus is way too cheesy and out of context here, because i think it lacks the depth and intricacy of the rest of the song, sorry man
anyways, it was a good read all in all
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


is you am a dog? is you got a dog?