#1
This is an acoustic song and really i wrote it because i wanted to tell people that i don't write because i think the song sounds good i write because i need to get things off my chest. So, here it is ....

VERSE
Everything i've seen in the past
Is engraved inside my memory
And all the pain I endure lasts
It still hurts why can't you see
CHORUS
These lies are not so much epics
As expressions of everything I've seen
I shouldn't have fallen for your tricks
But I needed help where have you been
BRIDGE
I haven't got time X4
CHORUS X2
Ben

GEAR:
Squier Vintage Modified Telecaster Deluxe
Squier Vintage Modified Jaguar
Blackstar ht-5 head
Blackstar ht-408 cab
Landola V72 Acoustic
Seymour Duncan Woody SC

Quote by lolometer1
Wanna be sex buddies?
Quote by housemd
nope.
Last edited by lolometer1 at Nov 10, 2009,
#2
I think you should add another whole verse, and maybe think about making the verses twice as long. in the chorus the first line ending with epics sounds strange, i think you're looking for a different word. what are you saying when you say "these lies are not so much epics?" maybe you could say "my hearts callin to me, so im callin to you.. these are expressions of everything that ive seen" or something. maybe ending the first line in brashness like.. "mistake me not with brashness, these lies are expressions of everything ive seen. maybe leave out these lies in the last line i suggested. i feel like callin em lies counteracts your story. idk, what dya think? i could have misinterpreted your meaning.
#3
Quote by lolometer1
This is an acoustic song and really i wrote it because i wanted to tell people that i don't write because i think the song sounds good i write because i need to get things off my chest. So, here it is ....

VERSE
Everything i've seen in the past
Is engraved inside my memory
And all the pain I endure lasts
It still hurts why can't you see This part is a good intro to the song
CHORUS
These lies are not so much epics
As expressions of everything I've seen
I shouldn't have fallen for your tricks
But I needed help where have you been Interesting
BRIDGE
I haven't got time X4 I don't see how this makes sense with the rest of the song
CHORUS X2
I definitely agree with the guy above me - make it longer. It doesn't have to necessarily be another verse, it could just have a bit more material. It's definitely decent though. If it was intended to be short then that's fine. If you can't put anything else in there without taking it out of context, that's fine as well.

Very good piece


C4C in sig
#4
thanks guys, i agree with you both it could be a bit longer and i think i might alter that bridge so it actually makes sense to other people
Ben

GEAR:
Squier Vintage Modified Telecaster Deluxe
Squier Vintage Modified Jaguar
Blackstar ht-5 head
Blackstar ht-408 cab
Landola V72 Acoustic
Seymour Duncan Woody SC

Quote by lolometer1
Wanna be sex buddies?
Quote by housemd
nope.
#5
Everything i've seen in the past
Is engraved inside my memory
And all the pain I endure lasts
It still hurts why can't you see

i didnt quite like this, its got feeling yeah but it lacks originality

These lies are not so much epics
As expressions of everything I've seen
I shouldn't have fallen for your tricks
But I needed help where have you been

this part is much better, but you wouldve been better off with another 4th line, it doesnt have good flow to it at all

the bridge was cool
i guess what im trying to say here is that you should try to be more unconventional
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


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