#1
So before you read my song listen to the first minute or so of this rolling stones song. I wrote as kind of a parody/rip off of this song. The lyrics are meant to be read/sung in the same way as the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loQ2H7l_mmE

And the song is about my rampant drug use as of late. Its pretty much that stones song with different words.

So u need to listen to the stones song to truly appretiate this jamble.

Sometimes im up
sometimes im down
not uncommon
see me sprawled on the ground

(chorus)
Just go and hide
go and hide your drugs
from me

Its clear as day
for yall to see
what those chemicals
been doin to me

(chorus)

Woke up one sunday
then it hit me
i dont remember
the past 2 weeks

(chorus)

So much stuff's
been up my nose
yea so much stuff
should have its own zipcode

(chorus)

Now listen here baby
its so hard to quit
when those rainy days
wont let you forget

(chorus)

Now i would tell you
id stop gettin high
but for both of our sakes
girl you dont want me to lie

(chorus)

Just turn your head
and sell your drugs to me.
trying to piece his 2 and 2 together
Last edited by i love alanis at Nov 11, 2009,
#2
Sometimes im up
sometimes im down
not uncommon
see me sprawled on the ground

Strong opening.

(chorus)
Just go and hide
go and hide your drugs
from me

Its clear as day
for yall to see
what those chemicals
been doin to me

Bit bland, but I suppose it works.

(chorus)

Woke up one sunday
then it hit me
i dont remember
the past 2 weeks

I see nothing wrong here. I can also relate :P

(chorus)

So much stuff's
been up my nose
yea so much stuff
should have its own zipcode

Ugh. Really didn't like this bit. The repetition in the 3rd line seems pointless, you could be using it to add more depth. I wasn't a fan of the last line either as it's quite a cliche joke.

(chorus)

Now listen here baby
its so hard to quit
when those rainy days
wont let you forget

Simple, to the point, I like it.

(chorus)

Now i would tell you
id stop gettin high
but for both of our sakes
girl you dont want me to lie

The only problem I have with this stanza is the rhyming of high and lie. Nothing wrong with the flow, just seems like too obvious a rhyme to me. This could just be my picky nature though!

(chorus)

Just turn your head
and sell your drugs to me.

Simple ending, nothing wrong with it.


Overall I liked this. Simple, catchy lyrics with great rhythm (probably because you used a pre-existing song as a starting point). Quite funny, there were just a couple of parts that annoyed me If you could crit my latest piece, Champagne Stars, I would be very grateful. Link's in the sig. Cheers!
#3
anyone else wanna crit?

after you crit mine feel free to post one of yours and ill return the favor.
trying to piece his 2 and 2 together
#4
This caught my eye.

"Woke up one sunday
then it hit me
i dont remember
the past 2 weeks"


Waking up on a Sunday and realizing where you been the last 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were a blur from the drugs. Any drug can be an obsession like water, food, gambling, beer, heroin, etc. Pleasure and reward but could result in consequence. Obsession, consumption and madness. But I would like to know how you realized that you don't remember the last two weeks.

Those are my thoughts. Good work
#5
Quote by i love alanis
Sometimes im up
sometimes im down
not uncommon
see me sprawled on the ground Interesting start

(chorus)
Just go and hide
go and hide your drugs
from me A bit straightforward for my taste

Its clear as day
for yall to see
what those chemicals
been doin to me Nice

(chorus)

Woke up one sunday
then it hit me
i dont remember
the past 2 weeks This seems a bit out of place. I think it should be swapped with the one above. Otherwise it's great

(chorus)

So much stuff's
been up my nose
yea so much stuff
should have its own zipcodeZipcode? That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. At least to me it doesn't. Also in the lyrics I'd cut the 'yea'. It's ok if you sing it like that, but I don't think it should be written

(chorus)

Now listen here baby
its so hard to quit
when those rainy days
wont let you forget

(chorus)

Now i would tell you
id stop gettin high
but for both of our sakes
girl you dont want me to lie

(chorus)

Just turn your head
and sell your drugs to me.Nice twist
I think overall it's a very solid piece. For my taste, it's a little light to me. But it works well.

C4C in sig
#6
Quote by jod23
This caught my eye.

"Woke up one sunday
then it hit me
i dont remember
the past 2 weeks"


Waking up on a Sunday and realizing where you been the last 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks were a blur from the drugs. Any drug can be an obsession like water, food, gambling, beer, heroin, etc. Pleasure and reward but could result in consequence. Obsession, consumption and madness. But I would like to know how you realized that you don't remember the last two weeks.

Those are my thoughts. Good work


...

Thats never happened to me, i have not remembered a night before but never more than that. That part was just a hyperbole.
trying to piece his 2 and 2 together