#1
Listen to the rain drop
as we sit and watch the clock.
and as it ticks,
and as it tocks,
I really don't want for it to stop.

And I'm sure you don't want to stay,
but..
sometimes it can rain for days.

So rain, rain, don't go away
please just stay another day
So we can sit and watch the clock.

And hope the rain,
never stops.
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#2
Listen to the rain drop
as we sit and watch the clock.
and as it ticks,
and as it tocks,
I really don't want for it to stop.

I definitely did not like the rhyming of "clock" and "tock". I think this section is a little cliche to be honest.

And I'm sure you don't want to stay,
but..
sometimes it can rain for days.

I liked this bit. Honest and to the point.

So rain, rain, don't go away
please just stay another day
So we can sit and watch the clock.

And hope the rain,
never stops.

Liking the way you reversed the old saying. This section seems a lot more meaningful than the previous stanzas.

Overall I liked this piece, although the first stanza was a total let down, that's where you have to hook listeners/readers! My main problem is that as soon as you begin to strike the balance of simple and meaningful, the song ends! I think this is a promising piece, you just need to develop it a bit If you could crit my latest piece, Champagne Stars, it would be fantastic. Link's in the sig. Cheers!
#4
Thank you both for the comments!
ESP/ltd EC-1000 snow white
ESP/ltd MH-1000NT See Through Blue
Peavey 6505+
Mesa traditional 4x12 (x pattern 2 v30's and 2 g12h30's)
ISP decimator/Tc Electronics Polytune/Ts9 Tubescreamer

Check out my band! www.facebook.com/blackentheskyline
#5
hey man you mine giving mine a crit? I need someone to bump it

the one i posted 2 post up.
trying to piece his 2 and 2 together