#1
Between panes of glass
Trapped
These unpolished walls divulge no view
Ahead, behind, nor at my side
I'd clean them myself
Right
And then marry irony

And if you say irony my shirt, bitch
I'll fu cking cut you


Bienvenue des comments.
Last edited by Radical Bob at Nov 11, 2009,
#2
Quote by Radical Bob
Between panes of glass
Trapped
These unpolished walls divulge no view
Ahead, behind, nor at my side
I'd clean them myself
Right <-- This seems a bit out of place
And then marry irony

And if you say irony my shirt, bitch
I'll fucking cut you
Short, swift, and explicit. Me very much like

C4C in sig
#3
Quote by Radical Bob
Between panes of glass
Trapped
These unpolished walls divulge no view
Ahead, behind, nor at my side
I'd clean them myself
Right
And then marry irony

Simple start, divulge works badly here I'd use another word. 'Right' does not fit, unless this is asking a question in which you would usually use a question mark. Not bad start.

And if you say irony my shirt, bitch
I'll fu cking cut you

'Irony my shirt' sounds stupid, I know what your going for but it doesn't work. Swearing is unnecessary there must be better ways to convey those ideas here. Note: I enjoy when people use swearing in a relevant way, this is not the case here.



Bienvenue des comments.


The ideas aren't bad but I don't enjoy how you execute this piece, it just doesn't seem to work. The last phrase is a good example. I would consider re-working this I guess.

wine cellar needs crits
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1228629
#4
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14
The ideas aren't bad but I don't enjoy how you execute this piece, it just doesn't seem to work. The last phrase is a good example. I would consider re-working this I guess.


What are the ideas in your opinion?
#5
Absolutely outstanding piece. The obvious iron=irony pun is good, but it opens it up to much more. The sheer irony that comes from the juxtaposition of a seemingly advanced sense of language and elegance over a brutish attitude is very effective, and kind of funny in a pithy, biting way.

Very well done.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1229526