#1
Yeah... a short one, I'm sorta happy with it, trying to write stuff that can be used in a band-setting.

Anyway, C4C?


Yellow tape and flashing lights
crowds formed like ravenous vultures
Gathered at this scene of disaster

How this took place
Unforseen
Unfortunate
Right place, wrong time?

Bastardization of a person
Destruction of a home
With a life turned around
Disaster would not be avoided

Reasoning is past due
No more sense in trying harder
Panting breaths dying down
Heartbeat naught over naught

However this has happened
Whoever it concerned
Parties involved still uncertain
Identities will be kept unknown
GEAR:
Ibanez SR605
Some 71' P-Bass
Orange Bass Terror 500 > Markbass 4x10
#2
Yellow tape and flashing lights
crowds formed like ravenous vultures
Gathered at this scene of disaster

Strong opening, instantly creates intrigue and hooks the reader/listener. Nothing I'd change here.

How this took place
Unforseen
Unfortunate
Right place, wrong time?

"Unforseen" should be Unforeseen. Apart from that, this is a great stanza, I like the flow.

Bastardization of a person
Destruction of a home
With a life turned around
Disaster would not be avoided

The first 3 lines are fantastic, I like the sense of victimisation... Not sure that the final line fits in with the flow of the stanza. Maybe there are too many syllables?

Reasoning is past due
No more sense in trying harder
Panting breaths dying down
Heartbeat naught over naught

I think "more" in the second line is unnecessary. You could just have it as "No sense in trying harder" - this way nothing is lost and the flow is improved. Also, I don't think you need panting and breaths in the same line. You're just repeating yourself. Use this as an opportunity to add some imagery and emotion, for example, "Frenzied breaths dying down" or something similar. Apart from that, this stanza is good, I like the sudden sense of urgency.

However this has happened
Whoever it concerned
Parties involved still uncertain
Identities will be kept unknown

There's something up with the flow here. Maybe it's because I'm not hearing it with music, but the rhythm just seems a bit off. You could put, "suspects still uncertain" for the 3rd line as it sounds less forced. I'm not sure you need "will be kept" in the last line, it could be cool ending it with a short, sharp statement. Such as "identities unknown." Of course, If you had a certain rhythm in mind, please ignore me

Overall I thought this was a strong piece with a lot of potential. Intriguing theme. I'm really interested in hearing it with the music you have in mind Can you crit my latest piece, Champagne Stars? Link's in the sig. Cheers!
#3
Thanks Gord ^^
I'll see what I can do with Champagne Stars
GEAR:
Ibanez SR605
Some 71' P-Bass
Orange Bass Terror 500 > Markbass 4x10
#4
Quote by Never_Been_Me
Yeah... a short one, I'm sorta happy with it, trying to write stuff that can be used in a band-setting.

Anyway, C4C?


Yellow tape and flashing lights
crowds formed like ravenous vultures
Gathered at this scene of disaster

I like how you set this up alot. It sets the scene very well.


How this took place
Unforseen
Unfortunate
Right place, wrong time?

This is an alright verse. Nice and simple and correctly depicts the thoughts that poeple would have

Bastardization of a person
Destruction of a home
With a life turned around
Disaster would not be avoided

I don't like this verse. It is the only time you get a bit specific towards the disaster in the entire poem but it does not work well IMO. I think you try to draw the picture a bit more but what it does is restricts the picture of the listener/reader. Especially since you get specific but still do not reveal what happened exactly. I think its confusing.

Reasoning is past due
No more sense in trying harder
Panting breaths dying down
Heartbeat naught over naught

This is good because it pretty much represents adrenaline or panic setting aside as everything becomes less surreal.

However this has happened
Whoever it concerned
Parties involved still uncertain
Identities will be kept unknown

This draws on the third verse and kind of corrects its mistakes but at the same time I think it leaves too much mystery. I also do not think this is good to end on. I think with editing to the poem in front of it, it can be made a better ending though.



Overall I liked it, it had some pretty good ideas especially putting the normal thought process into words. That is typically tough to do. I feel like editing the 3rd verse could make the whole thing alot better though.

Anyways can you crit one of the ones in my signature that says "needs crits"?
#5
Just a quick pointer - it is much easier to stick a melody to something that reads a lot smoother than this.

This hardly has a rhythm or beat to it and the words come out a little clunky. I'm talking poetic metre more than general song "flow" but it is an important part of how the song comes out as well.

This is an intriguing set of lyrics (while still a little juvenile) but I do think the beat is just dead. I'd say dig around and read some poetry, especially classical stuff that can help induce good writing technique. I'm purely saying this for song flow in the lyrics. It can help yourself hear what you are writing better, and should help liven that action right up.

Have a good day.