#1
She will look so old so soon

I used to kiss her
I remember
Up in Camden Maine
We once went swimming
In the rain
She was the most innocent
Her sneakers soaked through
Flopping like wind in shudders
And the lightning of her laugh
Like the splash of mute puddles

We went home
One night
Drove through Portland
Streetlight stars
Saying nothing
No radio
We just listened
To the engine burn its oil
And thought about all our seeds
Sewn way down in the soil

Growing up my mother always told me
To trust in love
But yesterday she confided to me
That dad beat her once
Made blood flow out of her skin like thick globs of mud

Now I am the flood.
Do you understand?

Now I am the flood.
#2
There's a kind of vulnerable innocence in the tone of this, burried under layers of cynism, which allows the reader a personal connection. The gentle rhyming doesn't feel cliched, but broken. This is one of your best in a while, for saying so much with so little.
#3
I used to kiss her
I remember
Up in Camden Maine
We once went swimming
In the rain

ew.


The rest is
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Quote by #1 synth
She will look so old so soon

I used to kiss her
I remember
Up in Camden Maine
We once went swimming
In the rain
She was the most innocent
Her sneakers soaked through
Flopping like wind in shudders
And the lightning of her laugh
Like the splash of mute puddles

The writing is very innocent and that comes through the narrator, the simple rhyming is a harmony to this idea. great

We went home
One night
Drove through Portland
Streetlight stars
Saying nothing
No radio
We just listened
To the engine burn its oil
And thought about all our seeds
Sewn way down in the soil

The start of this is just beautiful, really nice imagery. The idea of seeds in this context is usually used badly. This is very nice.


Growing up my mother always told me
To trust in love
But yesterday she confided to me
That dad beat her once
Made blood flow out of her skin like thick globs of mud

That last line is great. Not much to say here it's good.

Now I am the flood.
Do you understand?

Now I am the flood.

I'm not sure if I like the 'Do you understand' but that's just self preference. Nice finish.



I really like this, it's well written and it flows well. The ideas here are good, the things I mentioned are my own preferences. I enjoyed it.

If you could crit wine cellar please that'd be nice.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1228629
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Nov 12, 2009,
#5
The first two stanzas were almost redundant. I didn't think they were relevant, though I'm sure you think they are. I don't mean content-wise, though I think the piece could do without them, but I really do think that on an emotional level they were so numb compared to the last two, which I loved by the way, and not in a way that highlighted the ending, but in a way that dragged it down.

I did think you hit a good note with the latter part. It felt.
This is not a pipe
#6
It defintely read like a piece of two halves, Dyl.

I also think you've stopped reading your writing as you go. It's very dry to read, it's in need of some pizzazz just to pique interest, at the very least.

Though you did have some entertaining notions here, I still think it's far from your best, both thematically and rhythmically. But KD hit the spot in where I felt it was coming from, so maybe at least it catches a consistent understanding between readers, which is good from a tonal point of view.