#1
In mid-word
Eardrums fell to water
Under command

The desperate pound
Was waving undulation
Nerves shaken from slumber

Time to come and take me by the hand

The first step was a wooden crack
Overwhelming simplicity
Gripping in its seething silence

Tears of the mother and a nod of her head
Saying truths where words fail
Ushering me to the arms of the beast

Whose time has come to take me by the hand

Shrouds have fallen
And jaws have longed to kiss the wood
A fate in mind but not in heart

As beauty's last witness
With the mother's last tear
And the angel's last breath

Never look back, and take the hand

With shock and reverence

And feel my first sting
Last edited by Chaingarden at Nov 13, 2009,
#2
Well written and very cryptic. I see now you thought mine revealed too much, but it's just a difference in personal preference and purpose I suppose. There are a few lines I don't feel are entirely necessary such as "overwhelming simplicity", feels like filler.
Also the "raped angel" comes out of left field. I'm not entirely sure what you're going for and it may be utter genius, but without a solid and apparent justifying reason it comes across as existing for shock value alone.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#4
You're welcome. I think it works just as well if you leave it as "angel" minus the raped.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#5
Pretty cool. A bit cryptic and eerie. Hopefully that's what you were going for; I quite like it.
#6
Quote by Chaingarden
In mid-word
Eardrums fell to water <-- I love this part
Under command

The desperate pound
Was waving undulation
Nerves shaken from slumber

Time to come and take me by the hand I love single line verses. This is very effective, and so is the repetition further down

The first step was a wooden crack
Overwhelming simplicity <-- this line seems a bit out of place and in my mind disrupts the so far flawless flow of the piece. I'd suggest adding the word 'in' at the start
Gripping in its seething silence

Tears of the mother and a nod of her head
Saying truths where words fail
Ushering me to the arms of the beast

Whose time has come to take me by the hand

Shrouds have fallen
And jaws have longed to kiss the wood
A fate in mind but not in heart

As beauty's last witness
With the mother's last tear
And the raped angel's last breath Why 'raped', specifically? It doesn't make much sense.

Never look back, and take the hand

With shock and reverence

And feel my first sting As I said before, single line verses are very effective. This part is great
This is exacly what I look for in a piece. Dark, cryptic, and full of metaphors. There isn't much wrong here. Good job

C4C in sig