#1
There is beauty in mortality.
A casual urgency
in the knowledge that all of this will one day pass away,
and that we exist in brevity.

It's such a simple irony.
Our only certainty
is an unknown end, which grants us both a reckless need
and peace in our fragility.

Our course is through obscurity.
Such grand facility
of the illusion of purpose that all of those among us
seek to leave a legacy.

However...

There is nothing in eternity.
A final vanity
in the foresight that nothing fades, that all is free of change,
and remains in grand stability.

It's such a dreadful tragedy.
To see with clarity
that our every action, and that each decision, merely delivers us
closer to inevitability.

The cursed move through infinity.
Such flawed divinity
removes all purpose, and shatters all illusion,
revealing true calamity.
#2
I really like it. It reminds me of something I would write, based on the rhyme scheme. I like the constant use of a "y" at the end of almost every line.

However, the use of all of those "y's" makes it hard to distinguish what is the verse and what is anything else. Although if I'm correct I think every verse begins with "there" and every chorus begins with "it's".

I like the song. Keep writing 'em.
#3
Quote by denizenz
There is beauty in mortality.
A casual urgency
in the knowledge that all of this | will one day pass away,
and that we exist in brevity. The third line seems a bit too long. I'd put a break in about here (where the red line is). This applies for the rest of the song as well.

It's such a simple irony.
Our only certainty
is an unknown end, which grants us both a reckless need
and peace in our fragility.

Our course is through obscurity.
Such grand facility
of the illusion of purpose that all of those among us
seek to leave a legacy. Ok, at this point I noticed the theme of a 'y' at the end of the second and fourth lines in each stanza. It could work, but it also might not. I'm undecided though

However... This implies a change of direction of the piece, and I can't see any.

There is nothing in eternity.
A final vanity
in the foresight that nothing fades, that all is free of change,
and remains in grand stability.

It's such a dreadful tragedy.
To see with clarity
that our every action, and that each decision, merely delivers us
closer to inevitability. This is a good stanza, however, I have noticed that you seem to be saying the same thing over and over again, but in different ways. I'd suggest expanding a bit more, and maybe adding something new into each new stanza.

The cursed move through infinity.
Such flawed divinity
removes all purpose, and shatters all illusion,
revealing true calamity. Very solid ending
This is a good piece, and it's thought-provoking, which I like. There's nothing much I can say about the piece that I haven't already said. A few tweaks, and it could be great

C4C in sig
Last edited by 1nSingularity at Nov 13, 2009,