#1
pirouette to the liquor store crumpling lincoln's face in your pants pocket listening to
sigur ros cautiously through your headphones,
tell the clerk you're 21, really,
you're just shaven and fair skinned,
six pack of blue moon and some cigarettes will be good,
brown paper bag to put your inhibitions in,
a pack of gum,
some licorice,
when you walk out the door bells ring somewhere,
someone looks at you from across the street and
they look just like the model on the coca cola vending machine they're standing next to,
stroll past the kids stomping ants,
steal an apple from the farmer's market on broadway,
take a bite or two and throw it at a passing car to see if they're awake,
contemplate plausible compliments to kindly give the cute girl in the room next to yours,
'your hair looks nice, i like that its, brown, and straight',
'you're nose is so, so...i like your eyes a lot, i really do'.
something like that will work,
it will have to,
i've got no time to think it through,
the more you think something like that through the less likely you are just to do it,
i survive my whole life on a whim, or,
i barely survive,
whichever,
i'm alive today and yesterday i was too,
but tomorrow,
oh boy, tomorrow...
#3
i thought that this was really good and descriptive with some weight and depth in it, but it didnt strike me as poetry at all, even though it had some poetic moments in it.
i felt like i was reading a book...

but seriously, its got some kickass lines in it:

brown paper bag to put your inhibitions in,

stroll past the kids stomping ants,

take a bite or two and throw it at a passing car to see if they're awake,

i'm alive today and yesterday i was too,
but tomorrow,
oh boy, tomorrow...
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


is you am a dog? is you got a dog?
#4
This was as good as ever, I really really enjoyed it.

One thing that tripped me up a little was the lack of full stops in the middle of the piece. I would stick one after "standing next to" and "broadway", or at least a semicolon, just to tame it a little.
#6
To be honest, there is very little I can see to improve this piece.
I would agree with michal, though. A couple of full stops or semi-colons would help.
Overall, another great piece

A quick look/comment at my latest piece would be much appreciated, thanks.
My current acoustic group:

Fiftieth Parallel

Martin Guitars
Elixer Strings
Acoustic amplification
BOSS pedals

#8
I honestly felt like you were rambling a little bit. Mostly during the part about the girl. It doesn't seem cohesive, it just kinda runs into its own ass and rolls around a little bit before coming to a vague end.

I wasn't a fan of this quite as much as other stuff from you. sorry.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
Absolutely amazing sir.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
Do you just talk like this naturally? You have a very distinct voice, style, sense of imagery... sense of yourself...

I think I like you more than I like your writing, really.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
this was really, really good. the only line that i could complain about would be "brown paper bag to put your inhibitions in". For me at least, it seems too conscious in comparison with the proceeding lines which are brilliantly subtle and unassuming. I mean, I feel like this line is making a judgment for us when the lines surrounding it allow us to make the judgment for ourselves, if that makes sense.

However, that was the only line that I tripped up on and it really wasn't that big a deal. In no way did it detract from a great, great piece of writing.

Your style is so unique and palpable. I could be given a piece of your writing and know it was you just by reading the words on the page. Great job, really
here, My Dear, here it is