#1
Atlas

I look at the stars from the top of my apartment building.
gather my things and drive the ten miles;
take a nap in my car and swallow the gravity,
humidity pushing down on me until morning.
The sun catches my eye as I climb up the stairs
and I look down at my feet and see holes underneath
and the shadows of people who I'm leaving for.
Now they're lifting us off the ground
and I don't feel so ashamed,
so i turn my back on another life
and drown in the thought of another world.


Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Nov 13, 2009,
#2
I look at the stars from the top of my apartment building.
gather my things and drive the ten miles,
take a nap in my car and swallow the gravity,
humidity pushing down on me until morning.

this part has good flow to it, but i dont like the second line nor the first half of the third, though i do like "swallow the gravity" last line is pretty good too

The sun catches my eye as I climb up the stairs
and I look down at my feet and see holes underneath
and the shadows of people who I'm leaving for.
Now they're lifting us off the ground

my favorite part, especially the second line, i see nothing wrong here

and I don't feel so ashamed,
so i turn my back on another life
and drown in the thought of another world.

this is good, although not as good as the part above..

i think that this is something everyone could relate to, but i think its missing something which i cant quite put my finger on, and i love the title btw
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


is you am a dog? is you got a dog?
#3
Something more inventive than a comma could've been used between miles and take.

There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Thank you maged, I really appreciate your input.

Katherine, I changed the comma to a semi colon. I think it feels a little better, maybe. Hope you're doing well

Taylor, thank you I'm happy you liked it :]
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
My only complaint is the amount of conjunctions and unnecessary wording (and, so, now) especially in the beginning of sentences. It was a bit clumsy and not well constructed.

I liked the piece as a whole, but it lacked a gripping point, a knife to slice through the imagery with the honesty I know you can put into your writing. I know it was a short piece, but I thought you could have still managed to bring something more real.

It's still a lovely little piece. I just needed more.
This is not a pipe
#9
Atlas

I look at the stars from the top of my apartment building,
gather my things and drive the ten miles;
take a nap in my car and swallow the gravity,
humidity pushing down on me until morning.
The sun catches my eye as I climb up the stairs
and I look down at my feet, see holes underneath
and the shadows of people who I'm leaving for.
Now they're lifting us off the ground
and I don't feel so ashamed,
so i turn my back on another life
to drown in the thought of another world.


Just a couple of nitpick suggestions (in bold) maybe, just to rid some of the clutter that works against this piece. It's really gorgeous, but the wording occasionally removes the reader from the poem.