#1
I never did enjoy intruders
and the smoke pulled at me like
a million prying eyes...
Thoughts of dreams past and
memories that I wasn't sure existed
stretched like taffy,
grabbed from the crown of my head
upwards and everthinning
into the sky, into the universe
porous and sensitive
exposed
from the depths of my mind
places so dark that they were lost within themselves...


I question what truly is.
What happened again when I was a child? Did I really think that?
Did you say what I thought you did last night? No? I was drunk?
Oh, I see, that's what happened. That makes sense.
Wait, you were drunk? Hm. I guess...
No, my parents' closet in Cleveland did not actually have a window, that was a dream from when I was seven
or did it? I can't recall, I cant-- ouch!
Stop pulling at my head

you're not?
are you sure?

Phillip?


You're not Phillip?


I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I must have been dreaming.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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#2
I never did enjoy intruders
and the smoke pulled at me like
a million prying eyes...
Thoughts of dreams past and
memories that I wasn't sure existed
stretched like taffy,
grabbed from the crown of my head
upwards and everthinning
into the sky, into the universe
porous and sensitive
exposed
from the depths of my mind
places so dark that they were lost within themselves...

this is killer, diggin the intellect of this whole part, and the metaphors are F'ing awesome

as for the rest of it i was all
i didnt like it, and it doesnt fit with the first part(which was very good) at all
critisim for fellow critics, be a doll why dontcha :
Demons
sweet soul


is you am a dog? is you got a dog?
#4
I'm with rushmore. The 2nd stanza and on is really, really good in my opinion. I thought the taffy simile seemed kind of out of place in the first stanza given the diction and imagery you were using. For me at least, taffy didn't really fit in with the profound, cosmic vibe I was getting from the first stanza.

But I really enjoyed this entire piece. The taffy thing did not detract anything from it. I think if I actually had ever tried salvia I would appreciate this more, or maybe less. I don't know. What I do know is that I really, really like it right now
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I was a bit confused after the first stanza. Is is supposed to just be read like a conversation at this point, or is it supposed to have some beat to go along with it? Also, most songs or poems have some sort of repetition scheme, like pre-choruses and chorus in a song. If you want an example of what I mean, you can check out my song here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1230187

Of course, you don't have to do any sort of repetition scheme, but most songs / poems do have them of some sort.
#6
Is is supposed to just be read like a conversation at this point, or is it supposed to have some beat to go along with it? Also, most songs or poems have some sort of repetition scheme, like pre-choruses and chorus in a song.


the majority of the regulars in this forum write free verse poetry, not songs.

Also I really enjoyed reading this.
#7
haha, nice. i enjoyed this. i like how the first stanza serves as some form of introduction. sure, both parts are different in their own way, but i don't think the second part would work on its own. the first part sets the mood. i like how it then unfolds into this floaty, questioning reality one part conversation. you managed to pull it off in an interesting manner instead of just the typical 14 yr old stoner who believes himself as a philosopher. loved some of the images. - this actually reminded me of a poem truly ninja posted a while back, which is good because i loved it too.
#8
Quote by cubs
haha, nice. i enjoyed this. i like how the first stanza serves as some form of introduction. sure, both parts are different in their own way, but i don't think the second part would work on its own. the first part sets the mood. i like how it then unfolds into this floaty, questioning reality one part conversation. you managed to pull it off in an interesting manner instead of just the typical 14 yr old stoner who believes himself as a philosopher. loved some of the images. - this actually reminded me of a poem truly ninja posted a while back, which is good because i loved it too.
I kinda agree with this.


I never did enjoy intruders
and the smoke pulled at me like
a million prying eyes...
I think this would of been a great way to continue the piece. You know, start with something - a point - then suddenly break free from it with an "and", followed by a feeling/point that is closely linked in with the initial line, but is not in the exact same veign, if you know what I mean?

Thoughts of dreams past and
memories that I wasn't sure existed
stretched like taffy,
I think the simile was too close to the previous one. It felt like it didn't flow properly. Kinda like there wasn't enough space between the two to gather my thoughts and to respect the first one for what it really was. Things like that stick in my mind throughout the reading, but if you bring it a "replacement" so soon, it makes the introduction null 'n' void... kinda.

grabbed from the crown of my head
upwards and everthinning
into the sky, into the universe
porous and sensitive
exposed
from the depths of my mind
places so dark that they were lost within themselves...
Yeah, I kinda agree with cubs (can't remember his name AGAIN). I think the transition is as good as you're going to get it. I dunno, something didn't allow it from being seamless, but I can't say what it is, so... I'm useless. Apart from that, this has a few really cool words in it. "everthinning and "porous" are really awesome and 'dreamlike'. Very suitable.


I question what truly is.
What happened again when I was a child? Did I really think that?
Did you say what I thought you did last night? No? I was drunk?
Oh, I see, that's what happened. That makes sense.
Wait, you were drunk? Hm. I guess...
No, my parents' closet in Cleveland did not actually have a window, that was a dream from when I was seven
or did it? I can't recall, I cant-- ouch!
Stop pulling at my head

you're not?
are you sure?

Phillip?


You're not Phillip?


I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I must have been dreaming.
I quite like how unimportant this seems to be. The words themselves - and the meaning behind them - aren't particularly imperative. We already know what the piece is roughly about, so it's a matter of relying on the flow and feeling the words give, not the meaning the words give. The feeling should be enough for the meaning. And this is okay in that regard. Not great, like, but worthwhile.

Yeah, this is a solid read. Nothing too wrong, but nothing too right in it, either. Thanks for your words, Saadia!